White Wedding

Saturday was my friend's wedding. And I was weighing in at... drum roll... 198.5 lbs! After all the drama, I'm really happy it turned out like I wanted it to.
So I got up at 7 am on that day (earlier than I do to go to work) and I went to get my hair done. Then, at twelve, my friends picked me up to get to the hotel for the one o'clock ceremony. It was not a religious service, so it was pretty short, but very touching, especially when the bride's mother choked up during her speech. Plus, everyone kept telling me how pretty I looked, which surely helped to be in a great mood! Then we had a couple of hours to kill while the newlyweds went to take pictures. We had fun, walking around the historical part of town, taking silly pictures.
Plus, I feel also pretty good about my eating, I did not indulge in the appetizers served at the cocktail and the meal itself was really reasonable.I did drink a little more than I probably should have. I was never drunk, but kept a steady 1 drink/hour rate (which, when the party starts at 5 pm and ends at 2 am, is quite a few drinks)
Later, at the party, I was sitting with my friend's friend, on whom I've had a crush for a while. We flirted, albeit a little jokingly, and my confidence was soaring. That is until he asked me if my ex-roommate had been with her boyfriend long, and until I spotted him stroking one of the other girls' knee. I'm now mad, mostly at myself for letting my imagination run wild from a few flirtatious jokes. And for being really interested in a guy who obviously couldn't care less while a decent guy has given me signs of interest and I couldn't care less.  My love-brain is broken.

Life Is What Happens While You're Busy Making Other Plans

I had planned a really positive post about my newfound desire to start running again. I was going to post it after my appointment with my personal trainer. This also means it was a weigh-in today and I felt confident about it. I had been very good with my eating (although I'm starting to question my definition of "good"). I had skipped the gym on Monday because we had the first snow storm of the season, and as usual, monstrous traffic ensued. I figured my eating would compensate, plus the little shovelling I had to do, I thought all was good.
I even committed to a new non-weight related goal: I want to run a 10K in the spring. And I plan on training for that separately from my regular sessions, as an extra (easy to manage now that I only have to run a mile or so, we'll see how it goes when the distances build up). So all was good. I even skillfully managed an office social-gathering tonight at the restaurant with a 560 cals entrée (when every thing else on the menu was 800 cals and up, that's good) and only one glass of wine. Granted, this is half my calories for a day, but since I was going to the gym, and my others meals had been reasonable, I feel good about it.
Then, I got to my appointment and got on the scale. For the first time since I started my journey, I saw a gain when I expected a loss. I was SO frustrated by it! That 0.8 pounds. I know it shouldn't have bothered me that much. I know 0.8 pounds is not much and probably isn't really a gain. But still, it's not a LOSS! And my friend's wedding is this Saturday and I'm not under 200 lbs. It was the only timed goal I had. Be under 200 before the wedding.
So tonight, I am not happy and that meant one mean session on the elliptical. So I guess it all turns out in the end. I have to remind myself that this is not a race, there is no finish line and that it doesn't really matter what weight I am at any given specific time, as long as I make healthy choices. It will eventually pay off, when I look at the big picture.

All The Lonely People

Thursday night, I finally went on a date with my friend’s friend. We had been exchanging emails for a couple of weeks but couldn’t find a moment when we both would be available until last night. In the emails, I thought he seemed like a sweet, funny guy and although I was not particularly attracted to him physically in the pictures he sent me, I thought I’d make an opinion when I saw him in person (the difference a little charm and presence can do).

Now, one thing you should know about me is I’ve been single for years. I have been so convinced guys would not find me attractive, because of my weight that I didn’t even bother with dating. I would be making friends really easy, but nothing more. I’ve realized that now, I’m so used to my privacy and to being on my own that I have a hard time letting people in my inner circle. I’m in my comfort zone and even if I know I should get out of it (Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?), I don’t really want to shake up my routine for a “maybe”.

The guy from Thursday night, let’s call him S, is more of a “bah. He’s nice.” I was not attracted to him. I did not feel the urge, at the end of the night, to plan another date. I had a nice but a little bland evening. I did not feel a particular connection; I did not laugh heartily that much. It was all right, but nothing special…

However, I keep thinking about my last real boyfriend. I started dating him mostly because I knew he’d been in love with me for a very long time and I thought it was so cute, I could not say no when he finally asked me out. I did not have an urge to kiss him but went along with it when he made his move. And little by little, he grew on me until I was head-over-heels in love. But had it been just for me, we wouldn’t have dated in the first place. I did not find him attractive at first. So maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what a first date should be like. Maybe, if I give S more time, he’d end up being the man of my life. I’m not sure about what to do. He didn’t really flirt with me. I’m pretty sure he was interested in me, but he didn’t turn on the charm. THAT’S the main difference with my ex who was all charm and compliments the moment I entered the room. I think I need that. I need to feel like I’m irresistible to the guy I’m dating. I don’t want to lead him on and let him down in the end. He’s a nice guy. But right now, I don’t want to let him in my inner circle. He’d talk bout his family and I didn’t want to meet them. I don’t want to introduce him to my family, nor to my friends. I just need to figure out if that’s my fear of commitment talking, or my lack of interest (it might very well be both).

But there are guys I can think of that I would gladly introduce to my family and friends, if they’d only show a little interest in me. The difference: they’re cute, tall and thin. Which S is not (they’re also nice and intelligent, but so was S). Am I that shallow? Am I exactly what I’m reproaching in most guys: basing my opinion on looks first?

Am I ashamed that upon leaving the restaurant last night, my first thought was “I could do better”? Yes. Is one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to give this guy a chance is because I don’t want to pass up on another guy? Probably.

I’m so soaked up in fairytale-Hollywood love stories I can’t appreciate the reality. I expect Brad Pitt to come sweep me off my feet. I want to be wooed. So I’ve been waiting 10 years for that, and the sad thing is: I realized last night I’m willing to wait some more to get it. My standards might be too high, but is it fair to “settle” for someone simply because he’s the one available right now and no other reason?

Worst Year of My Life

Today marks the date the worst year of my life started. 2010 has been, in many ways, the worst year of my life. I lost my Grand-Papa on this day in 2009 and my father, who was working in China at the time, could not make it back here in time to say goodbye to his dad. A month or so later, my Grand-mother (my mom’s mom) passed away just a few weeks after we found out she was sick. It all happened very quickly. Then, in January, my Grand-Maman (my Dad’s mom) started to show symptoms of dementia. She went outside, on a cold January morning, wearing only her pj’s and could not find her way back to her building although she was only a block away. We quickly realized she could not live by herself and had to be transferred into a nursing home. This was devastating for everybody. She had always been very independent and self-reliant. Also in January, my brother received death threats from a (very deranged) coworker for being openly gay and had to move from his apartment in a rush. My sister has been battling depression throughout the past year and has been living with me.

In April my uncle, who was like a second dad to me, died tragically in a work-related accident. Now, my grand-mother’s illness has progressed so rapidly, she can’t remember the names of any of her children (although she can still recognize that they are her children when she sees them, a silver lining I guess). Another uncle is going through a divorce and one of my aunts is also having bouts of depression. Now, most of these things did not happen directly to me, but seeing a loved one go through a rough time is almost as bad as going through it myself.

I can’t believe that all this happened in merely a year. How much things have changed in 365 days.

2010 has also been, in many ways, a good year. My father and my brother, who weren’t speaking to each other for almost seven years, are now on speaking terms (although I wouldn’t say things are really patched up).  My parents who were living in California moved back to Montreal . I started paying closer attention to my health and losing weight. I traveled a lot, which is always interesting.

In retrospect, I can see that whenever a door closes, there’s a window opening somewhere and that although I really (really) wish these awful things didn’t happen and that the people I lost this year were still alive and that the past year would have been a much happier one, these events brought nice changes in my life too. It made me reassess my priorities, realize how important my family was to me and see that a lot of people love me, not for how I look, but for who I am. That gave me confidence that I am great and deserve great things. And also that being loved by others is not the hard part, not the battle in my life. It’s truly loving myself and giving myself the time and affection I would always give away to other people.

Lost and Running

Last night, I was watching the second half of The Biggest Loser Thanksgiving special and I realized that for the first time, I was watching knowing it can be done. I used to watch the show (in the first couple of seasons) and would be thinking, sitting in my couch "Sure they loose weight, they're on the ranch 24/7, they don't have to go to work, dinner parties, etc. They know they're being filmed all the time (not loosing face would be a huge motivator for me). They have personal trainers and they have the time to go to the gym for a couple of hours each day. I could lose weight under those circumstances for sure. But I can't have this life, not even for a week."
And I would stay on the couch.
Last night, I watched and thought quite the opposite "You don't have to go to the ranch to loose. You're better off doing it from home, then healthy habits are really a true part of your life when you reach goal." And that's part of the difference, the reason why I have stuck with it so far. Because I'm not expecting the change to come from the outside in. I know that the ONLY factor for success is ME. The sad thing is, it can't be given to anyone, and there really isn't any advice that will stick if your mind isn't really into it. Nothing will work for you if you expect to stick to a recipe or copy-paste from someone else's plan. It took me 12 years to figure that out, 12 years to really be ready to make the changes required. The important thing is to never giving up hope that one day, you'll be ready to finish. I've started many times but I've never finished. I can feel this time will be different.

Something's Gotta Give

Since starting this “Healthy Me” project, I’ve realized that for the first time in years, I’m putting myself first. Before, my job, my friends, my family would always take the first spot and I rarely did thing solely for me. I would feel incredibly guilty when I had to ditch someone (most often with good reasons). I don’t know what switched in my mind since July, but now, I don’t feel that much of an obligation to participate.

Sure, I still have to work and I still go out with my friends but I pick projects that motivate me (more than the others at least) and I go to social events I want to, not to those I feel I have to. I sometimes still feel like I’m letting people down but I’m mostly fine with this. I can’t always be putting the benefits of others before mine and I have to choose to dedicate my energy to people who will truly appreciate it. In the past, I have often done things and made sacrifices for people who took it for granted or never bothered to thank me.

It also means I can be more of a pain to be friends with. I am late more often because I tried to squeeze a session at the gym in between two activities and don’t quite make it. And I’m not the most punctual person to start with, so I’m now late all the time... I sometimes refuse to go out because I know the day after is busy and I’ll have to get up early to go to the gym. I don’t drink as much (and refuse drinks offered to me when I’ve had my quota for the day).

I simply had to cut out people and activities which did not bring anything to me anymore to make room for working out, cooking, etc. It was surprisingly easy to do, mostly because I was now ready for it. I just knew I had to do it and I feel relieved that I am now free of these obligations.

On another note, a friend I hadn’t heard of in years has contacted me to set me up with a friend of his. I have exchanged a couple of emails with this guy now and, on paper, he is very funny and we do seem to have some things in common. But, and this is something I would never dare admit to anyone in my real-life, he is physically not my type because he is seriously overweight. Remember I said I was a fattist? Yeah, that’s still a problem. Part of it is that I’m worried that starting a new relationship with anyone is a source of stress for me. I'm worried it'll derail me, change my priorities. It worries me even more to see that the guy in question might not put health and exercise high in his list. This is what happened to me the last time I dated someone for a long period. He was chubby (not fat, really) and did not like doing sports. I let myself follow his patterns and am only recovering healthy habits now. 

Another thing, probably even more shameful, is that I'm naturally attracted to fit guys. I think it has to do with being able to admire them in one way or another and wanting to be sucked into their world of fitness and sports, in a similar way that I'm afraid that dating a fat guy will lead me to being fat myself (I know it's a little crazy and sad).

Don't Look Back In Anger

My life has been pretty much the same routine in the past few weeks. Going to work, going to the gym. Dinner with friends and family on the week-ends. Nothing very exciting, really and certainly nothing I felt was worth blogging about.

Yesterday, I was shopping for a dress for my friends’ wedding. I’m very happy that I found one for just 50$ but I’m slightly bummed that I had to settle for a size 18. I had tried on size 16 pants a couple of weeks ago and they fitted nicely. I really hoped to be able to buy a size 16 dress, there is such a difference in the choices available when you can fit in a size 16 since a lot of brands carry up to 16 but not higher (it’s even better when you’re a size 8 or 10, but that’s not in my reach right now). 

My non-official short-term goal was to be at least down to 200 lbs by the wedding on Dec. 11^th. It is still feasible, but this effing plateau is likely to make it a race to the finish. Today, I am at 208 lbs which means 4 weeks to lose 8 pounds. I am still motivated to loose the weight, but I’m really anxious to move on to the next part of my life, where I won’t be consumed by thoughts of food (what to eat? When to eat? Can I eat this? How many calories is this?) and that my most useful app on the iPod won’t be “Lose It”. I want to be able to be content with how I am at the moment, without any thought of how much more I have to go and how great it’ll be when I reach a “normal” weight. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all that much about wishful thinking I wouldn’t be finding faults in my body when I reach goal. It’s more about the irritants of being overweight. Shopping for clothes, boots (my calves do NOT fit into knee-high boots, no matter how badly I want to be able to wear those) is a clear reminder that even if, looking at myself in the mirror, I feel good about the road traveled so far, there is still a long way to go. A clear reminder that I am not up to society’s standards yet. By that I don’t mean I don’t think I’m beautiful (although this can be debated) but simply that on a day where I felt satisfied and confident, I got a reality check: girl, don’t delude yourself, you’re still fat. I still don’t see what’s in the mirror correctly. I used to think I was a size 18. I obviously wasn’t since I’ve since lost 25 pounds and I still can’t fit in a smaller size but looking in the mirror at home and at the gym, I felt pretty certain I would fit comfortably in a 16. I even picked up a size 14 from the rack because it was the biggest size in a dress I liked. I couldn’t zip up the sizes 16. I guess I’m more than slightly bummed about this. It feels like I’ve been doing all this work and it’s hardly noticeable. It makes this whole process and the past 3 ½ months really frustrating. 

** I wrote the first part of this post earlier today and decided to wait after the gym to publish it, in case my spirits improved. They did not. I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly all week and really giving it my all. I was really hoping to bust this plateau. When I weighed myself, I'm still at 209 lbs! Plateaus suck (even more)!