I'm Back In The Saddle Again, I'm Baaaccckkkk!

I went running today! Almost didn't but kicked my butt and did W5D1 of Couch to 5K. 3x5 minutes, which I didn"t think I could, even while I was doing it, but I DID. Ha! Goes to show that when you want to, you can.
For the past few weeks, I've been browsing the web, looking for inspiration from other bloggers who have gone through the weight loss because it shows me that it can be done. I especially liked http://www.110pounds.com/ because she did it by herself. No Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything. For some reason, I'm not very fond of these, not that I don't think they work well, but because I don't want to spend money on people telling what I already know. I've known it for a long time but it took me to want to know for it to sink in. For now, I don't need to have to "check myself in" every week to keep me going. Maybe later, when the weight loss slows down and the results are not as easily noticeable.

I Can Feel It Slipping Away

I'm not proud today. Last night, my sister asked if we could go out for brunch and since it's my FAVORITE meal to eat out for, it was easy to say yes! But oh, the temptations! Pancakes, french toast, cinnamon rolls, syrup... hum hum hum. I ended up ordering a cinnamon roll (biggie) covered with fresh fruits. I did not eat the roll until I had eated all the fruits and ended up eating only about half of the roll. Not too bad I guess, a couple of months ago, I would have eaten the whole thing, while drinking a smoothie. It's all in small steps.
However, I feel my exercising motivation slipping a little. I should've gone running last night, or at least today but I settled for a little Wii Fit. I don't know why, I was so motivated up until Thursday. I feel so fat and judged, for no specific reason. I want a holiday, take a break from my own routine.
Enough whining. Think positive. I did not bust my calories so far this week. I did some form of exercise most days this week. I am now 15 pounds down from when I started, in about a month, that's very good. I lost at least a pound per week, that's even better. I will be PROUD of myself and I will keep giving myself the gift of health.

A Day Without Me

I feel like crap today. I just want to crawl up in bed and that's what I did most of the afternoon. However, I had my weigh-in yesterday, and it's 222 lbs! Go me!
Another thing I did last night is a team talk with the rugby girls. I let go was has been on my chest for a while and I really don't know if the message got across. So I spent most of the night tossing and turning. Did not get my beauty sleep at all and now I feel nauseous. So no running even if the day is perfect for that, maybe yoga later.

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I simply did not have anything significant to say. I mean, how many times can I simply state “I ate so and so, I ran (or did not run), etc.” There’s already so much insignificant rant on the net, if I can spare you guys (if anyone is reading this blog!) from my own insignificant rant, I sure will!

So, I’ve been at this for about a month now, I guess it’s about time I tell you all a little bit about myself!

My weight story is not special. It’s like that of so many (just browse the blogs, you’ll see!) When I look at how I got here I think part of it is I conditioned myself to overeating. Like Pavlov’s dog. When I was a kid, my mom (who’s had her own struggle with her weight) kept telling me I inherited the “fat” genes from her side of the family and that, unlike my brother and sister (who were lucky enough to inherit my dad’s “skinny” genes), I had to pay attention to what I ate. I don’t quite know why but I really felt deprived of something and in junior high, I would treat myself almost every day to a sugar-y snack (toffee, chocolate, ice cream). I knew my mom wouldn’t approve but I almost couldn’t help myself. I grew out of that when I got in high school and I entered a phase of my life where I played a lot sports (soccer, swimming, cross-country skiing, cycling). I took pride in being in good shape and I was at probably my lowest weight (probably around 150 lbs-160 lbs, but I don’t know for sure). I guess I could have been slimmer but I was happy and as confident as one can be at 17 with the way I looked. Then a boy came along. He was not a sports kind of guy. In fact, he was (and still is from what I gather) somewhat of a couch potato. He played a little hockey but the activities we did together we more in the range of watching movies. I had just started a job that required me to work nights and week-ends, so I couldn’t play soccer on the team anymore. And my then boyfriend complained that we didn’t see each other enough so I scratched cross-country skiing from my schedule to free myself up to spend time with him. Now understand that I do not blame him for my weight gain. It’s the choices I made that got me here and I can’t blame anyone one but me. Anyway, it was still ok because I was emotionally happy. There was no void to fill with food. After two years, we broke up and I took it hard. At first, I lost a lot of weight (like 15-20 pounds). However, after a couple of weeks when I realized it really was over, I fell into a slight depression and within a year, I had gained back the 15-20 pounds and they kept piling on. I went from a size 10 to a 14 in the blink of an eye. When I wanted to start doing sports again, I’d be completely discouraged at how bad and out of shape I was. I would struggle to ski two miles when I used to do 10 or 15 just for fun. Couldn’t keep up with other players on the soccer field. I didn’t want to go swimming which was a sport I could still do without too much physical trouble because I did not want to be seen in my bathing suit. So I piled on some more pounds as the years passed and sports became increasingly difficult. Gradually gained weight until being the size 18-20 I am now. I have been eating often out of boredom. Often, it was to keep me busy in situations where I felt uncomfortable (large parties where I would compare myself to the other girls in attendance for example) or when I would feel upset about something. I have been telling myself I should do something about it for years. Now I really want to do it. Here’s a list of why I want to:

1- My mom has been diagnosed with diabetes a couple of years back. I do not want to end up developing the disease as well.

2- I want to be able to choose my clothing style, not determine it merely according to what I can fit into.

3- I do not want to be the girl that has to be subbed at half time because I’m out of breath/out of shape

4- I do not want to pass up on activities with friends because I’m afraid I won’t be able to follow or would slow everyone down.

5- I don’t want to have to come up with excuses as to why I’m not going in the water at pool parties.

6- I don’t want to be a statistic on obesity anymore.

7- I want to be the best I can be, and 70 pounds overweight is not the best.

I Want To Break Free

Today, I ran for a total of 16 minutes out of 24. That's really good for me and I am proud of myself. There, I said it, I'm proud I went even if I had a so-so week with all the birthday eating. It felt relatively comfortable, even though the last five minutes, I felt like stopping a couple of times. But I didn't and that's also something different about my running.
In my previous attempts at running, I would put my mind to running 20 minutes straight. Of course, I wouldn't be able to and would never go back, feeling I just could never run. This time, I've allowed myself to learn to run, familiarize my body with running and to my surprise, I don't really hate running. It's not easy, nor blissful. It hurts sometimes and it's a battle against my own brain sometimes. But it's rewarding and worth the trouble!

It Could Have Been Worst

...but it definitely could have been better. Birthdays have always meant overeating. I was good today and did not have cake but ate at the restaurant twice. I think I was ok for lunch, did not even put any dressing in my side salad (bo-ring!) and ended up at little over 500 cals. Tonight, we went for sushi and I don't quite know how many I ate, but I felt full to the brim. And after a short walk, we got ice cream for desert. So I'm pretty sure I busted my 1300 daily cals (because, I glass of wive and a Bloody Caesar complete the mix). I had planned to run before going out for dinner but I finished work later than expected and did not have time to squeeze it in before company arrived.
On another note, weigh-in last nigh showed 224 lbs. It's still a loss so I guess I should be glad. I keep having to remind myself I got the excess weight in over ten years and it would be silly of me to expect to loose it all in a couple of months. It's better to spread it out, then maybe I'll avoid the loose skin and the temptation to get surgery.

If I Could Turn Back Time

How did I get here? I'm turning 29 tomorrow and I feel so far from where I thought I'd be at that age! It's not that I'm especially unhappy with the general state of things. Sure, I don't like my job much and I've been single so long I'm starting to think it's a permanent state for me. But generally, it's ok. I have great friends, not really many, but true and dear friends. I have a great family. It's not always easy, living with my sis, but it's all right.
So I'm ok with who I am (most days anyways). But I don't feel I'm quite ready to be 29. I mean, next, it's the thirties! I am far from being accomplished, mature, composed enough to turn 29, let alone 30.
It's the first time in my life I care about the number on the cake. I hope it's the last!

A Job That Slowly Kills You

Today was uneventful, once again. I am bored out of my mind at work, but at the same time, I don't want to get any more projects. I just thinks my job mostly involves glorified secretary tasks. I have nothing but admiration for secretaries. I simply did not study in Biochemistry to end up doing what I'm doing right now.
A friend told me a couple of weeks ago that she feels I'm wasting my potential for fear of moving forward and I think she's right. I AM afraid to give up the comfort I have right now. My boss is a really decent one, I've never had a better one. My salary is not spectacular, but it's all right and I'm by myself. I can't really afford to go back to school unless I get into serious debt. Right now, I just don't know where I'm headed, any direction I look seems like such a dark abyss. I sure wish I had a passion deep enough to drive me in a given course.

No Alarms and No Surprises

Well, not much to say today. Casual Monday. Got almost back on track for the meals and went for a run. I really can't wait till running a 5K doesn't seem so impossible.So in light of this total absence of inspiration, here are a couple of pictures from my uncle's in the beautiful Charlevoix region. We really had a blast there and I sure wish he wasn't trying to sell the place (or that I could even come close to affording it).

From inside the house, looking to the St-Laurence River down below
From the front porch...

Afraid to count

Well, as I said earlier, I spent the week-end at my uncle's for a big family reunion. I don't think I was that bad, calorie-wise but I didn't really keep track. As I've said before, I'm not really ready to broadcast that I'm trying to loose weight, and it's harder to estimate calories when you haven't cooked anything. But I think I kept the portions under control on Saturday. Today was a different story. The lunch menu was hot dogs and corn on the cob. I ate two hot dogs and put butter on the corn (shame on me). I didn't make things much better for dinner. After a four-hour drive, we arrived home at 7:30 pm. I didn't feel much like cooking and was thinking we wouldn't eat before 8:30 if I tried to make something so we stopped at the corner greasy spoon and I order a chicken kebab with way too much sauce. And fries. Ha, week-ends will be the death of me.

We Could Be Heroes

I have a role model, a hero almost. He’s my uncle, my dad’s big brother. I admire how he’d take pleasure in the little things in life. Like growing a garden. Woodworking. Biking. Loving his wife, his life. He’s showed me that a balanced lifestyle is important. That you choose how you spend your time and that turning off the TV and the computer opens up your schedule for a lot more. That you get back when you give to others but that it’s just as important to invest in yourself. He opened up my mind to the wonders of travel, the enriching experiences you live when learning about a new culture, or even just a new corner of your own city. I was not able to see it for a long time, but he’s shown me to love the earth, to love humanity and to love myself. I consider him like a second father, love him like one. I admire him because it seemed so simple, so natural to him. Biking to work, rain or shine, snow or blistering heat, he was always motivated.

He passed away in April 2010. Earth day. Fell down a well at work. Can’t even wrap my head around it and quite frankly, I still struggle every day with the fact. He was 57, in top shape. He’s also one reason I want to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I want to live by his example. So that a little bit of him always stays with me. So that, if there’s a place you go after death, I can make him proud from that place.

I will be spending the week-end with my extended family for the first time since the funeral. It’s going to be a very emotional week-end, but most likely only underneath the surface. My family doesn’t like to show their feelings much, but the love runs deep, and we all know it.

Babysteps

So weigh in #2 today: 225 lbs! Now I know this is good, but I don't feel it. Today, I feel fat and unmotivated. And hungry. Motivation is hard to come by tonight. I stuck to the meal plan so far this week and got some exercise most days (although yesterday was not much of a sweat) but today, I lack the patience required to get to a smaller size. Today, I wish I could be skinny and sit on my couch all night, not worrying with food portions or calorie intake. Today, I feel things are unfair. It'll pass, don't you worry.
Edit: Here are some pictures from the day of the weigh in that were sitting in the camera

Take a Bow

It's always hard to know when to pull the plug on something that I used to like. There's always the chance that the "spark" will come back, and sometimes it does. I thought about quitting music several times and after giving it some thought, I never did and I don't regret it one bit. The passion always came back.
Right now, I'm thinking about quitting rugby. I got no fun from it this season. In fact, I sometimes felt so out of it that I was an outsider. I don't know if I isolated myself or if I grew to like rugby less because I was for some reason isolated by girls who used to be good friends. All I know is I did not feel like part of the gang and that's one of the worst feelings for me. Like junior high all over again. That's a place I swore to myself I had left behind so this summer really sucked for me.I guess I'll let me think about it for a while before making any decision. I did use to absolutely love the sport (or was it the group I was playing it with?).

First season, 2008. Photo credit, J-S Denomée

It's funny how things work out (at least in my head). I start doing exercise and what do you know, I start cleaning the whole apartment. If you know me, you know that's not something I like doing usually.
Also, I realized I enjoy cooking, even if it's just for myself. The trick is to plan ahead and know what I'll be cooking when I get home. That way, I don't sit in front of the TV, waiting for inspiration. I enjoy taking my lunch to work and show off my meals (and it's always so much better than the cafeteria food we have there!)
So now, it's only a question of keeping it up long enough to have an habit out of it. One lesson I learned is to forgive myself when I fall off the track and get back on it without delay. Hopefully, that'll be the key to success.

Stick With the Plan

Well, this week-end was a small disaster, diet-wise. First, Saturday started off good enough. I was playing the semi-finals in rugby so I had a good breakfast. Things got awry after the match. I had not planned for a post-game snack and since the game was out of town, by the time I got home it was dinner time and I had not eaten much (a banana and three or four carrot sticks) so I was starving. I went straight for the A&W by the house on wolfed down a crispy chicken burger and onion rings. Calorie-budget wise, I was still within limits because I hadn’t eaten much else all day and since I had played 80 minutes of rugby. Not very healthy, I grant you that.

Then, on Sunday, I was spending the day with my parents. And you know, I don’t really want to tell the people around me that I’m trying actively to shed the pounds. I don’t really know why. I think it has something to do with my fear of failing in front of other people. And I feel like telling people I want to loose weight is like telling them I don’t like who I am. This is not false but not something I want to advertise. I want to convey the image of a strong and confidant woman and being desperate to loose weight is not in accordance with that. So any way, on Sunday, I ate way more than I should have. Restaurant for lunch AND dinner. Plus an ice cream cone in the afternoon and I couldn’t squeeze in any exercise since we were spending most of the day with my grandma and she’s not as mobile as she used to be. So I ended up at 1,700 calories. Bad, I know but today is Monday, and I’m getting back on track! I have to have a plan, and stick to it!

Oh, and my mom noticed I had lost weight so that’s nice, it means it’s starting to show a little (I don’t see it, but hey, if others do, I won’t complain!)

Week 1 Weigh In

So one week done and my scale says... wait for it... 228 lbs! Woot woot! Down 8 pounds in one week. See what I was saying about over doing it! I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to go that fast, but I'm glad anyway. Actually, 228 lbs is closer to the weight I'm "normally" at. I was kinda surprised when I got on the scale last week and saw 236. Kinda bummed too. But now, back at 228 lbs, the REAL work begins! Bring it on!

Balance... and equilibrium

Maybe I'm doing this wrong? Now today it's been one week since I took charge of my life. And in like many things in my life, I'm afraid I got sucked in too much and that I won't keep up with it. I realize it's relatively easy to eat below 1200 cals for me when I put my mind to it. In fact, for the past three days, I've been under the count and that makes me really reluctant to go out and get moving. I mean, I'm already below budget! However, I know that keeping with a menu every day is not the proper way to go for me. Because when I fall off the wagon, I have a lot of trouble getting back on it. I need to find the motivation to get moving on a more regular basis. Today's objective is burning 200 cals and earn a ice cream cone!

Balance is everything

So last night, it rained all through the evening so I figured I'd try yoga thanks to yogadownload.com. It felt GREAT! I don't know if it was the humidity from the rain or my obvious lack of fitness but I was surprised to sweat this much. Plus, it made me focus so much on what I was doing so I wouldn't fall on my face that afterwards, I was really relaxed. When I run, I'm pumped and energized after. I suppose I should run in the mornings but let's face it, I'm not going to get up if it's to run. One thing I'm great at, is procrastination, especially if I'm half asleep.

For me, the week-ends are the hardest when I try to stick to a new plan (either work-out or eating habits). If I don't have plans, I usually sleep in which means that breakfast is eaten at around 11 am at best. It throws the whole day out-of-wack. In the summer, I often go out on saturday nights which doesn't help much! Sometimes, I feel like in order to be more healthy, I have to be a social outcast. I mean, I'm turning 29 in a couple of weeks, I'm single: parties, dining out and irregular schedule are almost a given for me. My social life is the only thing that separates me from being an old maid who spends her nights and week-ends with her cat, scaring away the neighbourhood children. I'm trying to find a balance but it ain't easy...