Do I Disappoint You

 

Well, I can just say that plateaus suck. I grant you, I have not been perfect. I ate out all week-end and I was not reasonable. I realized that what I wanted to believe was the “old me” is still there inside, looking for the opportunity to come out. First, it was on Saturday night. I was having dinner with friends and the place they picked was a buffet. Tons of food, from different cuisine styles (but mostly unhealthy), all you can eat. I never took the “all you can eat” as a challenge, but in my mind, overeating at buffets has to do with the fact that no matter what or how much you eat, you’ll end up paying the same price. And at that place, the price was more than I would have paid if we had gone to a regular restaurant and eaten an appetizer as an entrée or a salad. So my old self kicked in: “If I’m going to pay for a lot of food and not be able to take any home, I might as well eat as much as possible here to make my money’s worth.” And so I did. I couldn’t even really count the calories accurately. The worst part is I deluded myself into thinking it was okay because my friends (normal weight) were doing the same.

It makes me wonder why - and how - society got to this point, where quantity of food is perceived at least as important as quality. I mean, the restaurant was huge and PACKED. For the whole time we were there, there was a line to get in. For the same price, one could eat better quality food in a nicer setting. Sure, you can’t refill your plate for free, but do you really need to? It’s not a question one asks when there is more food to sample and that it’s not going to cost more. To be able to offer such a big variety and quantity, the restaurant has to cut somewhere, and I’m willing to bet it’s on the quality. Sure it tasted fine. But good taste doesn’t mean quality. Fatty, salty or sweet food tastes good but it is not quality food.

And don’t get me started on chain restaurants like Pizza Hut or the like. If you live in a place where you can access small, local restaurants (and I don’t mean the local greasy spoon), I believe you’re better off eating out there. It’s likely the food is better; you can develop a relationship with the owner and get a good knowledge of how they make the food, the provenance of ingredients, etc. Plus, you’d be encouraging a local business and contributing more directly to your community. And it’s not really going to cost you more (man, I paid almost 25 CAD for crappy buffet food!)

So the plateau, yeah. It might very well be my own making.

There's A Stone In My Shoe

Allright. Let's be honest here. The reason I haven't been posting anything of value here is because I have not been doing so well with the plan.
Sure, I went to the gym. I ate some candy over Halloween, but not an insane amount. I have been mostly following the "plan". But I did it half-heartedly. I did not want to do any of it. I wanted to stay home, eat restaurant food, not cook. And I did some of that. I ate at restaurants more than I should have. I struggled to stay under the calorie count.
The worst part of it is I did not care much. I have not really gained. I'm still at 210, for the fourth week in a row and I did not really care. This week, for the first time since July, the efforts, the sacrifices did not appear to be worth it.
That is until tonight. I had my first real session with my private trainer. And it felt GOOD. I felt I could have given a little more but as usual with people that don't really know me, J did not think I could sustain a higher pace. That's allright, more room for improvement in the next sessions. Tonight, I'm really glad I signed up for private sessions. I think if I had been left on my own, my drive would have slowly died down, as it has in the past. I would have dropped to going to the gym twice a week, then once, then none at all. I know the drill, I've been down that road many times before. This time, I realize I need outside help to get over the downs one is bound to have. I am willing to admit I cannot do everything alone, which is a big step for me.

China Groove

 Another post with pictures, since I have really nothing much to say this week!
 

Will You Still Need Me When I'm 64?

When I registered for a personal trainer at my gym, included in the package was a fitness assessment where a kinesiologist tested me on a few criteria to determine my “physiological age”, compared to my real age.

It started with a questionnaire regarding my daily habits in the last month (eating, exercise, drinking, etc.) and taking my blood pressure and resting heart rate. Then, she measured my waistline and what I would call the “roll pinches” where she pinched the fat at a couple of spots on the body (waist, calf, arms, back). Next was the cardio test where I had to walk at 3,4 mph and gradually increase the incline until I reached a heart rate of 145. I was also tested on my muscular endurance (lower back muscles, crunches and push-ups) and my flexibility, as well as how high I could jump.

I thought things went pretty well, and although I was not expecting my results to be the same age as I am in real life, I did not expect to be diagnosed as having a body of a 58 year old! That is exactly double my current age. And it's also after losing 25 pounds and doing regular exercise for about three months. I can only imagine how bad it was before I started doing any of this.

This did put me down a little. Especially the cardio part, where I did not expect to score so bad. Of course, I knew there are major improvements to be done to my body, if only for health reasons. However, I thought my overall shape was not too bad. I can run. I can touch my toes (although it is not easy). I can lift weights.  I can do a lot of things my “normal weight” friends can’t. I was really convinced this would make a difference (and it did a little, my “age” in the cardio and body shape measurements is something like 68 years old). I was starting to feel better about myself. Today, I feel fat and little bit ashamed. Not of the past 3 months, but of the last 15 years, of letting myself do that to my body. Today, I see the road ahead of me, and it seems incredibly long. I am discouraged to find out that I am definitely on a plateau, for the third week in a row now. Today, I don’t feel as confident that I will ever get there, where ever "there" is.

Fitter Happier

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been blaming my weight for the shortcomings in my life. If I’m single, it’s because I’m too fat and unattractive. If I was slimmer, I’d be happier. If I was slimmer, I would be more confident, more popular. It even sometimes goes as far as thinking my weight is holding me back professionally. 

Now, I’m not so sure.

Of course, being slimmer would definitely improve my health, my energy level but would it really make me happy? It’s a chicken-egg thing to me. I got fat, at least in part, because I was unhappy. And when I was of “normal” weight, I thought I wasn’t very attractive (with the exception of when I had a boyfriend because he made me feel pretty).

In a deep level, I think the fat piled on as a defense mechanism. Despite what I’ve been saying all these years, I’m not sure I was ready for a relationship. Being fat was one of the ways I could avoid getting attention from guys. I would also be very distant on the (very) few dates I’ve had, even standing up one guy (he was 25 minutes late, but I literally ran out the door to get out before he could arrive. If that’s not a show of how not ready for a relationship I was, I don’t know what is.

I think this is how I made sure I wouldn’t get hurt because the one guy I truly loved ended up breaking my heart. I did not want to put myself in a position where I would feel like that ever again. I’m still not sure I’m ready for that, but for the first time in years, being active and having a purpose has made me feel a little like myself again. That may not be the idealistic view of my life I had when I was a teen (the American dream: husband, baby, house), but it’s something a lot closer to true happiness.

Edited to add:
I was just going through my regular blog reads and saw that the amazing Bitch Cakes just blogged about the same topic. A must read, really.

Little China Girl

 Nothing much to share today. So I tought I'd share a couple of pictures from my trip to Beijing!

Tired of Waiting For You

I knew before hand that coming back from vacation was going to be hard and I was right. I have been stuck in a ditch since the beginning of the week and I can't seem to shake it off. I've had no energy, eating poorly, not getting to the gym.
I have plenty of excuses for it: we've hired a handyman to do renovations in our bathroom so I have to hurry back home after work to make sure everything went fine, that things are progressing, etc. That means no time to stop at the supermarket to buy fresh produce and no time to get to the gym straight after work. Now, I am very aware that it takes WAY more will power to get myself out of the house to go to the gym or run errands once I am inside. Especially this time of the year when it's dark outside at 5:30-6:00 and that one feels so warm and cozy inside.
But I have to shake this. So tonight, I'm going to go to the pool since I prefer this to the gym. And here is a picture of my progress so far. I should take more of these, because they're a great reminder that making these changes work, that I'm getting healthy and that I'm always worth the efforts and the time I put for myslef!

Today, please ignore the messy room

Beginning of August