White Wedding

Saturday was my friend's wedding. And I was weighing in at... drum roll... 198.5 lbs! After all the drama, I'm really happy it turned out like I wanted it to.
So I got up at 7 am on that day (earlier than I do to go to work) and I went to get my hair done. Then, at twelve, my friends picked me up to get to the hotel for the one o'clock ceremony. It was not a religious service, so it was pretty short, but very touching, especially when the bride's mother choked up during her speech. Plus, everyone kept telling me how pretty I looked, which surely helped to be in a great mood! Then we had a couple of hours to kill while the newlyweds went to take pictures. We had fun, walking around the historical part of town, taking silly pictures.
Plus, I feel also pretty good about my eating, I did not indulge in the appetizers served at the cocktail and the meal itself was really reasonable.I did drink a little more than I probably should have. I was never drunk, but kept a steady 1 drink/hour rate (which, when the party starts at 5 pm and ends at 2 am, is quite a few drinks)
Later, at the party, I was sitting with my friend's friend, on whom I've had a crush for a while. We flirted, albeit a little jokingly, and my confidence was soaring. That is until he asked me if my ex-roommate had been with her boyfriend long, and until I spotted him stroking one of the other girls' knee. I'm now mad, mostly at myself for letting my imagination run wild from a few flirtatious jokes. And for being really interested in a guy who obviously couldn't care less while a decent guy has given me signs of interest and I couldn't care less.  My love-brain is broken.

Life Is What Happens While You're Busy Making Other Plans

I had planned a really positive post about my newfound desire to start running again. I was going to post it after my appointment with my personal trainer. This also means it was a weigh-in today and I felt confident about it. I had been very good with my eating (although I'm starting to question my definition of "good"). I had skipped the gym on Monday because we had the first snow storm of the season, and as usual, monstrous traffic ensued. I figured my eating would compensate, plus the little shovelling I had to do, I thought all was good.
I even committed to a new non-weight related goal: I want to run a 10K in the spring. And I plan on training for that separately from my regular sessions, as an extra (easy to manage now that I only have to run a mile or so, we'll see how it goes when the distances build up). So all was good. I even skillfully managed an office social-gathering tonight at the restaurant with a 560 cals entrée (when every thing else on the menu was 800 cals and up, that's good) and only one glass of wine. Granted, this is half my calories for a day, but since I was going to the gym, and my others meals had been reasonable, I feel good about it.
Then, I got to my appointment and got on the scale. For the first time since I started my journey, I saw a gain when I expected a loss. I was SO frustrated by it! That 0.8 pounds. I know it shouldn't have bothered me that much. I know 0.8 pounds is not much and probably isn't really a gain. But still, it's not a LOSS! And my friend's wedding is this Saturday and I'm not under 200 lbs. It was the only timed goal I had. Be under 200 before the wedding.
So tonight, I am not happy and that meant one mean session on the elliptical. So I guess it all turns out in the end. I have to remind myself that this is not a race, there is no finish line and that it doesn't really matter what weight I am at any given specific time, as long as I make healthy choices. It will eventually pay off, when I look at the big picture.

All The Lonely People

Thursday night, I finally went on a date with my friend’s friend. We had been exchanging emails for a couple of weeks but couldn’t find a moment when we both would be available until last night. In the emails, I thought he seemed like a sweet, funny guy and although I was not particularly attracted to him physically in the pictures he sent me, I thought I’d make an opinion when I saw him in person (the difference a little charm and presence can do).

Now, one thing you should know about me is I’ve been single for years. I have been so convinced guys would not find me attractive, because of my weight that I didn’t even bother with dating. I would be making friends really easy, but nothing more. I’ve realized that now, I’m so used to my privacy and to being on my own that I have a hard time letting people in my inner circle. I’m in my comfort zone and even if I know I should get out of it (Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?), I don’t really want to shake up my routine for a “maybe”.

The guy from Thursday night, let’s call him S, is more of a “bah. He’s nice.” I was not attracted to him. I did not feel the urge, at the end of the night, to plan another date. I had a nice but a little bland evening. I did not feel a particular connection; I did not laugh heartily that much. It was all right, but nothing special…

However, I keep thinking about my last real boyfriend. I started dating him mostly because I knew he’d been in love with me for a very long time and I thought it was so cute, I could not say no when he finally asked me out. I did not have an urge to kiss him but went along with it when he made his move. And little by little, he grew on me until I was head-over-heels in love. But had it been just for me, we wouldn’t have dated in the first place. I did not find him attractive at first. So maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what a first date should be like. Maybe, if I give S more time, he’d end up being the man of my life. I’m not sure about what to do. He didn’t really flirt with me. I’m pretty sure he was interested in me, but he didn’t turn on the charm. THAT’S the main difference with my ex who was all charm and compliments the moment I entered the room. I think I need that. I need to feel like I’m irresistible to the guy I’m dating. I don’t want to lead him on and let him down in the end. He’s a nice guy. But right now, I don’t want to let him in my inner circle. He’d talk bout his family and I didn’t want to meet them. I don’t want to introduce him to my family, nor to my friends. I just need to figure out if that’s my fear of commitment talking, or my lack of interest (it might very well be both).

But there are guys I can think of that I would gladly introduce to my family and friends, if they’d only show a little interest in me. The difference: they’re cute, tall and thin. Which S is not (they’re also nice and intelligent, but so was S). Am I that shallow? Am I exactly what I’m reproaching in most guys: basing my opinion on looks first?

Am I ashamed that upon leaving the restaurant last night, my first thought was “I could do better”? Yes. Is one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to give this guy a chance is because I don’t want to pass up on another guy? Probably.

I’m so soaked up in fairytale-Hollywood love stories I can’t appreciate the reality. I expect Brad Pitt to come sweep me off my feet. I want to be wooed. So I’ve been waiting 10 years for that, and the sad thing is: I realized last night I’m willing to wait some more to get it. My standards might be too high, but is it fair to “settle” for someone simply because he’s the one available right now and no other reason?

Worst Year of My Life

Today marks the date the worst year of my life started. 2010 has been, in many ways, the worst year of my life. I lost my Grand-Papa on this day in 2009 and my father, who was working in China at the time, could not make it back here in time to say goodbye to his dad. A month or so later, my Grand-mother (my mom’s mom) passed away just a few weeks after we found out she was sick. It all happened very quickly. Then, in January, my Grand-Maman (my Dad’s mom) started to show symptoms of dementia. She went outside, on a cold January morning, wearing only her pj’s and could not find her way back to her building although she was only a block away. We quickly realized she could not live by herself and had to be transferred into a nursing home. This was devastating for everybody. She had always been very independent and self-reliant. Also in January, my brother received death threats from a (very deranged) coworker for being openly gay and had to move from his apartment in a rush. My sister has been battling depression throughout the past year and has been living with me.

In April my uncle, who was like a second dad to me, died tragically in a work-related accident. Now, my grand-mother’s illness has progressed so rapidly, she can’t remember the names of any of her children (although she can still recognize that they are her children when she sees them, a silver lining I guess). Another uncle is going through a divorce and one of my aunts is also having bouts of depression. Now, most of these things did not happen directly to me, but seeing a loved one go through a rough time is almost as bad as going through it myself.

I can’t believe that all this happened in merely a year. How much things have changed in 365 days.

2010 has also been, in many ways, a good year. My father and my brother, who weren’t speaking to each other for almost seven years, are now on speaking terms (although I wouldn’t say things are really patched up).  My parents who were living in California moved back to Montreal . I started paying closer attention to my health and losing weight. I traveled a lot, which is always interesting.

In retrospect, I can see that whenever a door closes, there’s a window opening somewhere and that although I really (really) wish these awful things didn’t happen and that the people I lost this year were still alive and that the past year would have been a much happier one, these events brought nice changes in my life too. It made me reassess my priorities, realize how important my family was to me and see that a lot of people love me, not for how I look, but for who I am. That gave me confidence that I am great and deserve great things. And also that being loved by others is not the hard part, not the battle in my life. It’s truly loving myself and giving myself the time and affection I would always give away to other people.

Lost and Running

Last night, I was watching the second half of The Biggest Loser Thanksgiving special and I realized that for the first time, I was watching knowing it can be done. I used to watch the show (in the first couple of seasons) and would be thinking, sitting in my couch "Sure they loose weight, they're on the ranch 24/7, they don't have to go to work, dinner parties, etc. They know they're being filmed all the time (not loosing face would be a huge motivator for me). They have personal trainers and they have the time to go to the gym for a couple of hours each day. I could lose weight under those circumstances for sure. But I can't have this life, not even for a week."
And I would stay on the couch.
Last night, I watched and thought quite the opposite "You don't have to go to the ranch to loose. You're better off doing it from home, then healthy habits are really a true part of your life when you reach goal." And that's part of the difference, the reason why I have stuck with it so far. Because I'm not expecting the change to come from the outside in. I know that the ONLY factor for success is ME. The sad thing is, it can't be given to anyone, and there really isn't any advice that will stick if your mind isn't really into it. Nothing will work for you if you expect to stick to a recipe or copy-paste from someone else's plan. It took me 12 years to figure that out, 12 years to really be ready to make the changes required. The important thing is to never giving up hope that one day, you'll be ready to finish. I've started many times but I've never finished. I can feel this time will be different.

Something's Gotta Give

Since starting this “Healthy Me” project, I’ve realized that for the first time in years, I’m putting myself first. Before, my job, my friends, my family would always take the first spot and I rarely did thing solely for me. I would feel incredibly guilty when I had to ditch someone (most often with good reasons). I don’t know what switched in my mind since July, but now, I don’t feel that much of an obligation to participate.

Sure, I still have to work and I still go out with my friends but I pick projects that motivate me (more than the others at least) and I go to social events I want to, not to those I feel I have to. I sometimes still feel like I’m letting people down but I’m mostly fine with this. I can’t always be putting the benefits of others before mine and I have to choose to dedicate my energy to people who will truly appreciate it. In the past, I have often done things and made sacrifices for people who took it for granted or never bothered to thank me.

It also means I can be more of a pain to be friends with. I am late more often because I tried to squeeze a session at the gym in between two activities and don’t quite make it. And I’m not the most punctual person to start with, so I’m now late all the time... I sometimes refuse to go out because I know the day after is busy and I’ll have to get up early to go to the gym. I don’t drink as much (and refuse drinks offered to me when I’ve had my quota for the day).

I simply had to cut out people and activities which did not bring anything to me anymore to make room for working out, cooking, etc. It was surprisingly easy to do, mostly because I was now ready for it. I just knew I had to do it and I feel relieved that I am now free of these obligations.

On another note, a friend I hadn’t heard of in years has contacted me to set me up with a friend of his. I have exchanged a couple of emails with this guy now and, on paper, he is very funny and we do seem to have some things in common. But, and this is something I would never dare admit to anyone in my real-life, he is physically not my type because he is seriously overweight. Remember I said I was a fattist? Yeah, that’s still a problem. Part of it is that I’m worried that starting a new relationship with anyone is a source of stress for me. I'm worried it'll derail me, change my priorities. It worries me even more to see that the guy in question might not put health and exercise high in his list. This is what happened to me the last time I dated someone for a long period. He was chubby (not fat, really) and did not like doing sports. I let myself follow his patterns and am only recovering healthy habits now. 

Another thing, probably even more shameful, is that I'm naturally attracted to fit guys. I think it has to do with being able to admire them in one way or another and wanting to be sucked into their world of fitness and sports, in a similar way that I'm afraid that dating a fat guy will lead me to being fat myself (I know it's a little crazy and sad).

Don't Look Back In Anger

My life has been pretty much the same routine in the past few weeks. Going to work, going to the gym. Dinner with friends and family on the week-ends. Nothing very exciting, really and certainly nothing I felt was worth blogging about.

Yesterday, I was shopping for a dress for my friends’ wedding. I’m very happy that I found one for just 50$ but I’m slightly bummed that I had to settle for a size 18. I had tried on size 16 pants a couple of weeks ago and they fitted nicely. I really hoped to be able to buy a size 16 dress, there is such a difference in the choices available when you can fit in a size 16 since a lot of brands carry up to 16 but not higher (it’s even better when you’re a size 8 or 10, but that’s not in my reach right now). 

My non-official short-term goal was to be at least down to 200 lbs by the wedding on Dec. 11^th. It is still feasible, but this effing plateau is likely to make it a race to the finish. Today, I am at 208 lbs which means 4 weeks to lose 8 pounds. I am still motivated to loose the weight, but I’m really anxious to move on to the next part of my life, where I won’t be consumed by thoughts of food (what to eat? When to eat? Can I eat this? How many calories is this?) and that my most useful app on the iPod won’t be “Lose It”. I want to be able to be content with how I am at the moment, without any thought of how much more I have to go and how great it’ll be when I reach a “normal” weight. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all that much about wishful thinking I wouldn’t be finding faults in my body when I reach goal. It’s more about the irritants of being overweight. Shopping for clothes, boots (my calves do NOT fit into knee-high boots, no matter how badly I want to be able to wear those) is a clear reminder that even if, looking at myself in the mirror, I feel good about the road traveled so far, there is still a long way to go. A clear reminder that I am not up to society’s standards yet. By that I don’t mean I don’t think I’m beautiful (although this can be debated) but simply that on a day where I felt satisfied and confident, I got a reality check: girl, don’t delude yourself, you’re still fat. I still don’t see what’s in the mirror correctly. I used to think I was a size 18. I obviously wasn’t since I’ve since lost 25 pounds and I still can’t fit in a smaller size but looking in the mirror at home and at the gym, I felt pretty certain I would fit comfortably in a 16. I even picked up a size 14 from the rack because it was the biggest size in a dress I liked. I couldn’t zip up the sizes 16. I guess I’m more than slightly bummed about this. It feels like I’ve been doing all this work and it’s hardly noticeable. It makes this whole process and the past 3 ½ months really frustrating. 

** I wrote the first part of this post earlier today and decided to wait after the gym to publish it, in case my spirits improved. They did not. I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly all week and really giving it my all. I was really hoping to bust this plateau. When I weighed myself, I'm still at 209 lbs! Plateaus suck (even more)!

Do I Disappoint You

 

Well, I can just say that plateaus suck. I grant you, I have not been perfect. I ate out all week-end and I was not reasonable. I realized that what I wanted to believe was the “old me” is still there inside, looking for the opportunity to come out. First, it was on Saturday night. I was having dinner with friends and the place they picked was a buffet. Tons of food, from different cuisine styles (but mostly unhealthy), all you can eat. I never took the “all you can eat” as a challenge, but in my mind, overeating at buffets has to do with the fact that no matter what or how much you eat, you’ll end up paying the same price. And at that place, the price was more than I would have paid if we had gone to a regular restaurant and eaten an appetizer as an entrée or a salad. So my old self kicked in: “If I’m going to pay for a lot of food and not be able to take any home, I might as well eat as much as possible here to make my money’s worth.” And so I did. I couldn’t even really count the calories accurately. The worst part is I deluded myself into thinking it was okay because my friends (normal weight) were doing the same.

It makes me wonder why - and how - society got to this point, where quantity of food is perceived at least as important as quality. I mean, the restaurant was huge and PACKED. For the whole time we were there, there was a line to get in. For the same price, one could eat better quality food in a nicer setting. Sure, you can’t refill your plate for free, but do you really need to? It’s not a question one asks when there is more food to sample and that it’s not going to cost more. To be able to offer such a big variety and quantity, the restaurant has to cut somewhere, and I’m willing to bet it’s on the quality. Sure it tasted fine. But good taste doesn’t mean quality. Fatty, salty or sweet food tastes good but it is not quality food.

And don’t get me started on chain restaurants like Pizza Hut or the like. If you live in a place where you can access small, local restaurants (and I don’t mean the local greasy spoon), I believe you’re better off eating out there. It’s likely the food is better; you can develop a relationship with the owner and get a good knowledge of how they make the food, the provenance of ingredients, etc. Plus, you’d be encouraging a local business and contributing more directly to your community. And it’s not really going to cost you more (man, I paid almost 25 CAD for crappy buffet food!)

So the plateau, yeah. It might very well be my own making.

There's A Stone In My Shoe

Allright. Let's be honest here. The reason I haven't been posting anything of value here is because I have not been doing so well with the plan.
Sure, I went to the gym. I ate some candy over Halloween, but not an insane amount. I have been mostly following the "plan". But I did it half-heartedly. I did not want to do any of it. I wanted to stay home, eat restaurant food, not cook. And I did some of that. I ate at restaurants more than I should have. I struggled to stay under the calorie count.
The worst part of it is I did not care much. I have not really gained. I'm still at 210, for the fourth week in a row and I did not really care. This week, for the first time since July, the efforts, the sacrifices did not appear to be worth it.
That is until tonight. I had my first real session with my private trainer. And it felt GOOD. I felt I could have given a little more but as usual with people that don't really know me, J did not think I could sustain a higher pace. That's allright, more room for improvement in the next sessions. Tonight, I'm really glad I signed up for private sessions. I think if I had been left on my own, my drive would have slowly died down, as it has in the past. I would have dropped to going to the gym twice a week, then once, then none at all. I know the drill, I've been down that road many times before. This time, I realize I need outside help to get over the downs one is bound to have. I am willing to admit I cannot do everything alone, which is a big step for me.

China Groove

 Another post with pictures, since I have really nothing much to say this week!
 

Will You Still Need Me When I'm 64?

When I registered for a personal trainer at my gym, included in the package was a fitness assessment where a kinesiologist tested me on a few criteria to determine my “physiological age”, compared to my real age.

It started with a questionnaire regarding my daily habits in the last month (eating, exercise, drinking, etc.) and taking my blood pressure and resting heart rate. Then, she measured my waistline and what I would call the “roll pinches” where she pinched the fat at a couple of spots on the body (waist, calf, arms, back). Next was the cardio test where I had to walk at 3,4 mph and gradually increase the incline until I reached a heart rate of 145. I was also tested on my muscular endurance (lower back muscles, crunches and push-ups) and my flexibility, as well as how high I could jump.

I thought things went pretty well, and although I was not expecting my results to be the same age as I am in real life, I did not expect to be diagnosed as having a body of a 58 year old! That is exactly double my current age. And it's also after losing 25 pounds and doing regular exercise for about three months. I can only imagine how bad it was before I started doing any of this.

This did put me down a little. Especially the cardio part, where I did not expect to score so bad. Of course, I knew there are major improvements to be done to my body, if only for health reasons. However, I thought my overall shape was not too bad. I can run. I can touch my toes (although it is not easy). I can lift weights.  I can do a lot of things my “normal weight” friends can’t. I was really convinced this would make a difference (and it did a little, my “age” in the cardio and body shape measurements is something like 68 years old). I was starting to feel better about myself. Today, I feel fat and little bit ashamed. Not of the past 3 months, but of the last 15 years, of letting myself do that to my body. Today, I see the road ahead of me, and it seems incredibly long. I am discouraged to find out that I am definitely on a plateau, for the third week in a row now. Today, I don’t feel as confident that I will ever get there, where ever "there" is.

Fitter Happier

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been blaming my weight for the shortcomings in my life. If I’m single, it’s because I’m too fat and unattractive. If I was slimmer, I’d be happier. If I was slimmer, I would be more confident, more popular. It even sometimes goes as far as thinking my weight is holding me back professionally. 

Now, I’m not so sure.

Of course, being slimmer would definitely improve my health, my energy level but would it really make me happy? It’s a chicken-egg thing to me. I got fat, at least in part, because I was unhappy. And when I was of “normal” weight, I thought I wasn’t very attractive (with the exception of when I had a boyfriend because he made me feel pretty).

In a deep level, I think the fat piled on as a defense mechanism. Despite what I’ve been saying all these years, I’m not sure I was ready for a relationship. Being fat was one of the ways I could avoid getting attention from guys. I would also be very distant on the (very) few dates I’ve had, even standing up one guy (he was 25 minutes late, but I literally ran out the door to get out before he could arrive. If that’s not a show of how not ready for a relationship I was, I don’t know what is.

I think this is how I made sure I wouldn’t get hurt because the one guy I truly loved ended up breaking my heart. I did not want to put myself in a position where I would feel like that ever again. I’m still not sure I’m ready for that, but for the first time in years, being active and having a purpose has made me feel a little like myself again. That may not be the idealistic view of my life I had when I was a teen (the American dream: husband, baby, house), but it’s something a lot closer to true happiness.

Edited to add:
I was just going through my regular blog reads and saw that the amazing Bitch Cakes just blogged about the same topic. A must read, really.

Little China Girl

 Nothing much to share today. So I tought I'd share a couple of pictures from my trip to Beijing!

Tired of Waiting For You

I knew before hand that coming back from vacation was going to be hard and I was right. I have been stuck in a ditch since the beginning of the week and I can't seem to shake it off. I've had no energy, eating poorly, not getting to the gym.
I have plenty of excuses for it: we've hired a handyman to do renovations in our bathroom so I have to hurry back home after work to make sure everything went fine, that things are progressing, etc. That means no time to stop at the supermarket to buy fresh produce and no time to get to the gym straight after work. Now, I am very aware that it takes WAY more will power to get myself out of the house to go to the gym or run errands once I am inside. Especially this time of the year when it's dark outside at 5:30-6:00 and that one feels so warm and cozy inside.
But I have to shake this. So tonight, I'm going to go to the pool since I prefer this to the gym. And here is a picture of my progress so far. I should take more of these, because they're a great reminder that making these changes work, that I'm getting healthy and that I'm always worth the efforts and the time I put for myslef!

Today, please ignore the messy room

Beginning of August

Simon Says...

You know, I'm the kind of person who, if told to do things one way, will try to do them the other way, just  because I don't like to be told what to do. It doesn't mean I don't listen to advice, it's just if you pressure me to do something, you can count on me not doing it, or at least, not the way you're telling me.
For example, on vacation, in Beijing. Now this town is HUGE. The travel guides all said it is not practical to walk anywhere. Outside every subway station, there were "bike-taxis" trying to get me to hire them to get to my final destination "Heellloooo lady! Ricksaw! Very cheap! Summer palace very far!" Well, I walked (and it wasn't all that bad either. Granted, sometimes, the sights were very far, but hey, walking is a good exercise!). Just because too many people were trying to convince me otherwise (to be honest, I did not really trust the ricksaw guys either).

 Heellloooo! Ricksaw!

This week, I'll have my first session with a trainer at the gym. I know he's going to try and convince me to stick to the meal plan in the book provided with the gym package. And I know I won't. Because I know I can take into account a suggestion to eat more of one thing or another, but I will not follow a plan that tells me to eat this and that on Day 1, and some other thing on Day 2 and so on. Come on, for eight weeks, having no flexibility?
I'm fine with this, I just really hope that the trainer will respect this and not try to give me a guilt trip because I did not eat what was written in the book. To me, as long as I eat healthy and stay in my alloted calorie budget, what I eat is my business. I want a trainer to give me exercises, make sure I'm doing them correctly, and push myself a little more.

Home Sweet Home

I came back from vacation late last night and haven't really had time to organize my thoughts (or pictures). I will do a couple of posts about it in the coming days.
Today, I just wanted to share that after two weeks away from the scale and not really thinking about eating right, thanks to plenty of walking, I still lost! Yay! I was thinking about it on the plane back and expected to have just maintained, maybe even gained. I mean, while still eating three meals a day, I don't think I managed more than one or two serving of fruits and veggies every day.
So what's the big number? 210 lbs! Now, the important part will be falling back into my work out schedule because I won't walk 10-15K every day!

Friday, I'm heading off to Hong Kong, then Beijing, for my vacation. By myself. I may be totally petrified to be going to China by myself because of the language, the different culture and all that but there is also another reason I am worried: how will I work out? Sure, I think I'll be doing a lot of walking around, but it's hard to estimate if public transport is going to be a must. In fact, in the past months, I've learned that planning is key. Planning my meals and my work out schedule is the only way for me to avoid the pitfalls I used to fall into. When I don't plan (for example, this weekend), it's a sure way to fall off the wagon.
I don't see how I can plan my meals. Heck, if I can understand the menus and know what I'll be eating, it's going to be a small victory (I should say I tend to be a picky eater). I actually considered bringing food along but it won't clear customs.
I've never been this stressed out about a holiday! How ironic.

Do you guys have any tips on staying on track during a holiday?

But I Held My Breath And Kicked My Feet

 I used to love swimming but I had stopped for many years for many reasons. Lately, it was mostly because I did not feel comfortable being seen in a bathing suit but I had been considering adding swimming to my activities because I could remember how much I liked it.
At first, I had trouble finding a suitable time and place. There are a couple of indoor pools in my neighbourhood but the opening hours are not all that convenient (in between the kid's group lessons, aquajogging and the like). I finally finished early enough at work to get to the pool for a 45 minutes swim. If I counted right, I swam 1K almost without stopping (I had to wait for other swimmers and adjust my goggles a couple of times). I even finished with a lap of egg beater! Yeah me!

The only problem is had forgotten that the chlorine in the water makes me sneeze four hours afterwards so now I feel like I have a cold. I think it should get better if I keep going to the pool regularly. I should, I loved it, it is strangely soothing, only thinking about your strokes, your breathing. I wonder if I pushed myself enough because it felt so great, not like when I run and it is sooo hard!

And on a side note, I was a little worried when I came in. I saw a sign on the women's changing room saying that the bathing suit was mandatory. Hum. Why is it necessary to remind people to be clothed in a public place?

Lately, I feel like I've been doing just the bare minimum to keep me afloat in my health resolutions. I didn't really count calories this week-end (and ate out both Saturday and Sunday nights). I should be running at least 25 minutes straight but I had to walk for a couple of minutes both Saturday and today. My calves just turned into cement after 15 minutes or so.
I probably should focus on the positive: I had no desire to eat right, nor exercise. I felt like walking to my car was exercise enough. Yet, I made myself go for a short run on Saturday, and the same today. I had been telling myself I would go for a swim, but since the pool is only open from 8 to 10 pm on Mondays, I knew I'd chicken out (season premiere of House! let's face it, I'm not going to be able to wait). So even though I certainly did not push myself, at least, I didn't stay on the couch. Which is more effort I'd have put a couple of months ago, so I guess I should beat myself up over this. I just don't want to congratulate myself when I know, deep down, that I could have done better.

When I was a teenager, my father would always tell me to slow down, to find balance in my activities. Because, I am one of these people that, once I start something for which I have motivation, go all in. I get consumed by it all. As a teenager, it could be a new boyfriend, a new movie which I loved (Titanic at 15? I watched it more than socially acceptable, and of course, got fed up in a couple of weeks. Now, I can't stand the soundtrack).
I think I went into the weight loss journey a little like that. I can spend long periods of time planning my meals, reading blogs for inspiration, trying to plan where in my day will I be able to fit in a workout. I'm afraid I will get tired of it. Go back to my old ways. This week, I longed for some time, quietly sitting reading a book, or in a cafe, working on my laptop. I felt like I did not have time to do that because I had to work out, or attend an evening meeting for my orchestra, or whatever. Today, despite the fact that I finished work early and did not have to meet my brother for dinner until 6pm, I decided not to workout. For my own sanity. I'm having a cup of tea while working on meeting reports for the orchestra (and maybe blogging a little too).

Love those earrings!

But on the other hand, I'm afraid that this means I'm slacking off. That it is my first step backwards. When I read other bloggers, they seem to be working out every single day! How can they fit that in their schedule? This baffles me. I'm trying to do a proper work out 3 times a week, and maybe a little yoga at home in between (but I'll admit yoga hasn't been a regular activity for a couple of weeks) and I could fit in a fourth. But that would mean dropping social activities, or giving up my responsibilities on the orchestra's Board. These are things I like and enjoy. Right now, I'm ok with working out, but I don't enjoy it (frankly, it can be hell). Maybe that means I'm not giving it a 100%. Maybe. I'm trying to convince myself I just need to find the proper balance for ME. Where I loose weight, get healthy in my body without loosing the health in my mind and relationships.

Keep On Keeping On

It was raining and cold today so I decided to go to the gym instead of running outside. I ran on the treadmill which for some reason is so much harder for me than running outside. I did intervalls, I don't think I could have run for 25 straight minutes on the treadmill, but I pushed my speed compared to what I do when running outside.
I also took the opportunity to sign up for a personal trainer. I think I'm getting near the point where I'll need someone to kick my behind a little (and someone to be accountable to) and I chose to start after my vacation in October (China!!), when I'll probably be out of the habit of working out per say, and it'll cold and most likely rainy here so it's not going to be as simple to get a run in my schedule.
The upcoming couple of weeks are also going to be a challenge to me: season premieres! Being an (hopefully ex) couch potato, there are a lot of shows I followed in the past seasons. Now I have to make choices (and maybe watch a couple of episodes online). Sigh. My life is hard (hahaha)

Just Because I'm Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost

So I've been on this journey for almost two months now and I don't feel the difference. I know the numbers on the scale are going down, but after losing almost twenty pounds, I hoped it would show a little more on my body. I mean, I still wear the same size clothes (maybe more comfortably than I used to but still) and except from the comment my mother gave me a few weeks back, I haven't received any.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled about my improved fitness level (who would've thought, two months ago that I would be jogging three times a week! I hated jogging!) and when I pay attention, there are a few indications that my body is changing. At work, they ordered the wrong size for my labcoat when I was hired (a M instead of L). The buttons could barely close around my breast and now, it's still snug, but there's not that pulling that shows my shirt underneath. I was almost never wearing a skirt I loved because it would cut into my stomach when sitting down. I put it on Thursday and at the end of the day, I realized I was very comfortable in it. But my everyday jeans do not fall off my hips. After twenty pounds, I was really hoping to have dropped a size already. It's a bummer.

I Eat Dinner

I'm struggling to find balance in my eating habits. My plan was to stick to a 1300 cals diet (which is already very low from what I understand) but if I find that at the end of the day, I almost always wind up at about 1100. I do not plan on eating so little, I'm just not that hungry until like 4 pm. But when I get home from work, I'm starving. I guess I should eat snacks but I've never had the habit of it. So I usually eat a big meal when I get home, after working out. I need to work on that.
In other news, my Nike+ worked tonight!
See? Pretty graph! Me likey!

Video Killed the Radio Star

As I finished my run today, I looked at my iPod to see the stats my new Nike+ sensor collected and look at the data as I walked the few meters I still had left to get home. I was very annoyed to see that for the second time this week, it did not register my run at all! I really like the little graphs you get from this data and even if it is a little trivial, it's part of my motivation for a run: seeing the little graph going up and down and the cursor on the Nike site getting closer to the next level.

It got me thinking on how dependent on technology I've become. When I was cheering on my Dad and cousins at the Montreal Marathon on Sunday, my uncle pointed out the vast majority of runners who had iPods or MP3 players on them, running to music. He was surprised by it, he's been a runner for over 30 years (he didn't really run the marathon due to injury, but ran parts of it with our family members for support) and he's never run with music. I couldn't imagine going for a run without my iPod right now, but simply because of the voice telling me "run now" and "walk now" from the C25K app. I really rely on this to push me to run longer. I don't really notice the music (I couldn't name one song that came up on my run today), but I anticipate that voice!
How 'bout you? Are you technology-dependent?

Short And Sweet

First things first: the 20 minutes run is done! It wasn't as bad as I had expected which leads me to think I could run faster. I had planned to run today, but like usual on week days, after grocery shopping, preparing dinner, cleaning the cat's litter, I gave up on myself. I don't especially feel bad about it, I did do some yoga.
I still have to write up a meeting report and I'm giving a presentation rrrrreeeaaaalllly early tomorrow morning, so that's it for today!

Running To Standstill

I'm constantly surprised at what I can do physically if I put my mind to it. The problem is getting started. It's just always so tempting to just lay on the couch and watch TV or surf the net, I tend to give myself excuses (last night, it was a mild headache and the heat). But I went today. My program C25K (now at Week 5) said today was 2x8 minutes but I thought there was also a 5 minutes of running somewhere. So when it said "End of workout" I thought I had walked through a running section and since I wasn't home yet, I added about 5 more minutes. And to think I was absolutely convinced I couldn't do the 8 minutes run! This gives me a little more confidence for the next workout in the schedule: 20 minutes straight! (Seriously? From 8 minutes to 20 minutes? Are you kidding me?) Right now, running for 20 minutes seems like the most ridiculous thing to me but I've realized today that my body is a lot better than I give it credit for.
Tomorrow, I'll be cheering for my father and two cousins who are running the Montreal Marathon. My father is a runner and this will be something like his tenth marathon, but it's going to be the first for my two cousins. They started training soon after my uncle's passing and they dedicate this run to him. I really wish I could run with them but it is too soon, I don't feel ready. And, as I've said before, to me, part of my health journey is in his memory because he was the healthiest, most balanced person I've ever known. I miss him a lot.

Big Girls You Are Beautiful

I have a confession to make: I’m a fattist. I discriminate against fat people (although being fat myself). I make judgment calls, solely based on the fact that they’re overweight. For instance, if I see a girl, who is overweight, in a relationship with a relatively cute guy (or even just a guy who is of a healthy weight) I assume he’s a geek/stupid/a social outcast. Because, as sad and ashamed of myself this makes me, I think no guy in their right mind would go for a girl like that (read like me) when there is plenty of cute, regular sized girls. This, in part, explains why I have been single for so long. I simply can’t conceive that a guy which would interest me (funny, cultivated, balanced, confident) would be interested in a relationship with me. Even if I know that I’m worth anybody on the inside, I just believe that really, most guys enjoy having girls like me as friends, but would rather date cuter girls. I’ve had a lot of experiences to prove that to myself, unfortunately.

And guys who have been interested in me in the past? Well, let’s just say they generally display the “deal-breakers” too soon: in their thirties and daily playing Magic (the card game) or D&D. I’ve had lots of really good friends (and even had slight crushes) with similar interests. But I learned of their hobbies after I had known them for a while and I knew that was not all they were about. If the guy gets into this kind of subject in the first couple of hours, it seems like that’s pretty much all that’s going on in their lifes. And that’s, to me, a little sad. Hence my assumption that for a guy to be interested in a severely overweight girl, he must be either geek beyond all reason, a social outcast or simply a little dumb (and can’t get the good-looking girls who all go for the better-looking, more intelligent guys)

 

See? Not pretty. No wonder I’m single. And going for a run in the blistering heat.

The Heat Is On

Summer days in Montreal can range from a chilly, rainy day (although rarely, I'll admit) to am-I-in-a-freakin'-oven kinda hot. This week: oven. Plus, for some reason, it's very humid here, all year long. So I simply walked home from work (about 2K) and that's it. I can barely tolerate my laptop on my lap so even thinking of going for a run, I'm dehydrated.
So to cool myself off, I'll think of places I've visited that were also smoldering hot (so that you can have a good time even when melting on the pavement).
First, Rome. I visited last September and I was SO thankful for the abundance of free, cold water fountains! Also, not many trees to give a little shade. I would have been nice. But, hey! When in Rome... eat pasta, drink wine and enjoy! I sure did!

 Me, my double chin and Piazza Navona

In the more exotic destinations: Singapore. Gotta love tropical heat. And my mom who made me hike up the hill to this statue on my first day there, all jet-lagged and sweaty (which is the main reason this picture was taken from this safe distance: the armpit rings of sweat do not show as much!)

The Merlion, the embelm of Singapore (on the right :) )

In other news, down to 221 this week! Slowly but surely!

I'm Back In The Saddle Again, I'm Baaaccckkkk!

I went running today! Almost didn't but kicked my butt and did W5D1 of Couch to 5K. 3x5 minutes, which I didn"t think I could, even while I was doing it, but I DID. Ha! Goes to show that when you want to, you can.
For the past few weeks, I've been browsing the web, looking for inspiration from other bloggers who have gone through the weight loss because it shows me that it can be done. I especially liked http://www.110pounds.com/ because she did it by herself. No Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything. For some reason, I'm not very fond of these, not that I don't think they work well, but because I don't want to spend money on people telling what I already know. I've known it for a long time but it took me to want to know for it to sink in. For now, I don't need to have to "check myself in" every week to keep me going. Maybe later, when the weight loss slows down and the results are not as easily noticeable.

I Can Feel It Slipping Away

I'm not proud today. Last night, my sister asked if we could go out for brunch and since it's my FAVORITE meal to eat out for, it was easy to say yes! But oh, the temptations! Pancakes, french toast, cinnamon rolls, syrup... hum hum hum. I ended up ordering a cinnamon roll (biggie) covered with fresh fruits. I did not eat the roll until I had eated all the fruits and ended up eating only about half of the roll. Not too bad I guess, a couple of months ago, I would have eaten the whole thing, while drinking a smoothie. It's all in small steps.
However, I feel my exercising motivation slipping a little. I should've gone running last night, or at least today but I settled for a little Wii Fit. I don't know why, I was so motivated up until Thursday. I feel so fat and judged, for no specific reason. I want a holiday, take a break from my own routine.
Enough whining. Think positive. I did not bust my calories so far this week. I did some form of exercise most days this week. I am now 15 pounds down from when I started, in about a month, that's very good. I lost at least a pound per week, that's even better. I will be PROUD of myself and I will keep giving myself the gift of health.

A Day Without Me

I feel like crap today. I just want to crawl up in bed and that's what I did most of the afternoon. However, I had my weigh-in yesterday, and it's 222 lbs! Go me!
Another thing I did last night is a team talk with the rugby girls. I let go was has been on my chest for a while and I really don't know if the message got across. So I spent most of the night tossing and turning. Did not get my beauty sleep at all and now I feel nauseous. So no running even if the day is perfect for that, maybe yoga later.

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I simply did not have anything significant to say. I mean, how many times can I simply state “I ate so and so, I ran (or did not run), etc.” There’s already so much insignificant rant on the net, if I can spare you guys (if anyone is reading this blog!) from my own insignificant rant, I sure will!

So, I’ve been at this for about a month now, I guess it’s about time I tell you all a little bit about myself!

My weight story is not special. It’s like that of so many (just browse the blogs, you’ll see!) When I look at how I got here I think part of it is I conditioned myself to overeating. Like Pavlov’s dog. When I was a kid, my mom (who’s had her own struggle with her weight) kept telling me I inherited the “fat” genes from her side of the family and that, unlike my brother and sister (who were lucky enough to inherit my dad’s “skinny” genes), I had to pay attention to what I ate. I don’t quite know why but I really felt deprived of something and in junior high, I would treat myself almost every day to a sugar-y snack (toffee, chocolate, ice cream). I knew my mom wouldn’t approve but I almost couldn’t help myself. I grew out of that when I got in high school and I entered a phase of my life where I played a lot sports (soccer, swimming, cross-country skiing, cycling). I took pride in being in good shape and I was at probably my lowest weight (probably around 150 lbs-160 lbs, but I don’t know for sure). I guess I could have been slimmer but I was happy and as confident as one can be at 17 with the way I looked. Then a boy came along. He was not a sports kind of guy. In fact, he was (and still is from what I gather) somewhat of a couch potato. He played a little hockey but the activities we did together we more in the range of watching movies. I had just started a job that required me to work nights and week-ends, so I couldn’t play soccer on the team anymore. And my then boyfriend complained that we didn’t see each other enough so I scratched cross-country skiing from my schedule to free myself up to spend time with him. Now understand that I do not blame him for my weight gain. It’s the choices I made that got me here and I can’t blame anyone one but me. Anyway, it was still ok because I was emotionally happy. There was no void to fill with food. After two years, we broke up and I took it hard. At first, I lost a lot of weight (like 15-20 pounds). However, after a couple of weeks when I realized it really was over, I fell into a slight depression and within a year, I had gained back the 15-20 pounds and they kept piling on. I went from a size 10 to a 14 in the blink of an eye. When I wanted to start doing sports again, I’d be completely discouraged at how bad and out of shape I was. I would struggle to ski two miles when I used to do 10 or 15 just for fun. Couldn’t keep up with other players on the soccer field. I didn’t want to go swimming which was a sport I could still do without too much physical trouble because I did not want to be seen in my bathing suit. So I piled on some more pounds as the years passed and sports became increasingly difficult. Gradually gained weight until being the size 18-20 I am now. I have been eating often out of boredom. Often, it was to keep me busy in situations where I felt uncomfortable (large parties where I would compare myself to the other girls in attendance for example) or when I would feel upset about something. I have been telling myself I should do something about it for years. Now I really want to do it. Here’s a list of why I want to:

1- My mom has been diagnosed with diabetes a couple of years back. I do not want to end up developing the disease as well.

2- I want to be able to choose my clothing style, not determine it merely according to what I can fit into.

3- I do not want to be the girl that has to be subbed at half time because I’m out of breath/out of shape

4- I do not want to pass up on activities with friends because I’m afraid I won’t be able to follow or would slow everyone down.

5- I don’t want to have to come up with excuses as to why I’m not going in the water at pool parties.

6- I don’t want to be a statistic on obesity anymore.

7- I want to be the best I can be, and 70 pounds overweight is not the best.

I Want To Break Free

Today, I ran for a total of 16 minutes out of 24. That's really good for me and I am proud of myself. There, I said it, I'm proud I went even if I had a so-so week with all the birthday eating. It felt relatively comfortable, even though the last five minutes, I felt like stopping a couple of times. But I didn't and that's also something different about my running.
In my previous attempts at running, I would put my mind to running 20 minutes straight. Of course, I wouldn't be able to and would never go back, feeling I just could never run. This time, I've allowed myself to learn to run, familiarize my body with running and to my surprise, I don't really hate running. It's not easy, nor blissful. It hurts sometimes and it's a battle against my own brain sometimes. But it's rewarding and worth the trouble!

It Could Have Been Worst

...but it definitely could have been better. Birthdays have always meant overeating. I was good today and did not have cake but ate at the restaurant twice. I think I was ok for lunch, did not even put any dressing in my side salad (bo-ring!) and ended up at little over 500 cals. Tonight, we went for sushi and I don't quite know how many I ate, but I felt full to the brim. And after a short walk, we got ice cream for desert. So I'm pretty sure I busted my 1300 daily cals (because, I glass of wive and a Bloody Caesar complete the mix). I had planned to run before going out for dinner but I finished work later than expected and did not have time to squeeze it in before company arrived.
On another note, weigh-in last nigh showed 224 lbs. It's still a loss so I guess I should be glad. I keep having to remind myself I got the excess weight in over ten years and it would be silly of me to expect to loose it all in a couple of months. It's better to spread it out, then maybe I'll avoid the loose skin and the temptation to get surgery.

If I Could Turn Back Time

How did I get here? I'm turning 29 tomorrow and I feel so far from where I thought I'd be at that age! It's not that I'm especially unhappy with the general state of things. Sure, I don't like my job much and I've been single so long I'm starting to think it's a permanent state for me. But generally, it's ok. I have great friends, not really many, but true and dear friends. I have a great family. It's not always easy, living with my sis, but it's all right.
So I'm ok with who I am (most days anyways). But I don't feel I'm quite ready to be 29. I mean, next, it's the thirties! I am far from being accomplished, mature, composed enough to turn 29, let alone 30.
It's the first time in my life I care about the number on the cake. I hope it's the last!

A Job That Slowly Kills You

Today was uneventful, once again. I am bored out of my mind at work, but at the same time, I don't want to get any more projects. I just thinks my job mostly involves glorified secretary tasks. I have nothing but admiration for secretaries. I simply did not study in Biochemistry to end up doing what I'm doing right now.
A friend told me a couple of weeks ago that she feels I'm wasting my potential for fear of moving forward and I think she's right. I AM afraid to give up the comfort I have right now. My boss is a really decent one, I've never had a better one. My salary is not spectacular, but it's all right and I'm by myself. I can't really afford to go back to school unless I get into serious debt. Right now, I just don't know where I'm headed, any direction I look seems like such a dark abyss. I sure wish I had a passion deep enough to drive me in a given course.

No Alarms and No Surprises

Well, not much to say today. Casual Monday. Got almost back on track for the meals and went for a run. I really can't wait till running a 5K doesn't seem so impossible.So in light of this total absence of inspiration, here are a couple of pictures from my uncle's in the beautiful Charlevoix region. We really had a blast there and I sure wish he wasn't trying to sell the place (or that I could even come close to affording it).

From inside the house, looking to the St-Laurence River down below
From the front porch...

Afraid to count

Well, as I said earlier, I spent the week-end at my uncle's for a big family reunion. I don't think I was that bad, calorie-wise but I didn't really keep track. As I've said before, I'm not really ready to broadcast that I'm trying to loose weight, and it's harder to estimate calories when you haven't cooked anything. But I think I kept the portions under control on Saturday. Today was a different story. The lunch menu was hot dogs and corn on the cob. I ate two hot dogs and put butter on the corn (shame on me). I didn't make things much better for dinner. After a four-hour drive, we arrived home at 7:30 pm. I didn't feel much like cooking and was thinking we wouldn't eat before 8:30 if I tried to make something so we stopped at the corner greasy spoon and I order a chicken kebab with way too much sauce. And fries. Ha, week-ends will be the death of me.

We Could Be Heroes

I have a role model, a hero almost. He’s my uncle, my dad’s big brother. I admire how he’d take pleasure in the little things in life. Like growing a garden. Woodworking. Biking. Loving his wife, his life. He’s showed me that a balanced lifestyle is important. That you choose how you spend your time and that turning off the TV and the computer opens up your schedule for a lot more. That you get back when you give to others but that it’s just as important to invest in yourself. He opened up my mind to the wonders of travel, the enriching experiences you live when learning about a new culture, or even just a new corner of your own city. I was not able to see it for a long time, but he’s shown me to love the earth, to love humanity and to love myself. I consider him like a second father, love him like one. I admire him because it seemed so simple, so natural to him. Biking to work, rain or shine, snow or blistering heat, he was always motivated.

He passed away in April 2010. Earth day. Fell down a well at work. Can’t even wrap my head around it and quite frankly, I still struggle every day with the fact. He was 57, in top shape. He’s also one reason I want to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I want to live by his example. So that a little bit of him always stays with me. So that, if there’s a place you go after death, I can make him proud from that place.

I will be spending the week-end with my extended family for the first time since the funeral. It’s going to be a very emotional week-end, but most likely only underneath the surface. My family doesn’t like to show their feelings much, but the love runs deep, and we all know it.

Babysteps

So weigh in #2 today: 225 lbs! Now I know this is good, but I don't feel it. Today, I feel fat and unmotivated. And hungry. Motivation is hard to come by tonight. I stuck to the meal plan so far this week and got some exercise most days (although yesterday was not much of a sweat) but today, I lack the patience required to get to a smaller size. Today, I wish I could be skinny and sit on my couch all night, not worrying with food portions or calorie intake. Today, I feel things are unfair. It'll pass, don't you worry.
Edit: Here are some pictures from the day of the weigh in that were sitting in the camera

Take a Bow

It's always hard to know when to pull the plug on something that I used to like. There's always the chance that the "spark" will come back, and sometimes it does. I thought about quitting music several times and after giving it some thought, I never did and I don't regret it one bit. The passion always came back.
Right now, I'm thinking about quitting rugby. I got no fun from it this season. In fact, I sometimes felt so out of it that I was an outsider. I don't know if I isolated myself or if I grew to like rugby less because I was for some reason isolated by girls who used to be good friends. All I know is I did not feel like part of the gang and that's one of the worst feelings for me. Like junior high all over again. That's a place I swore to myself I had left behind so this summer really sucked for me.I guess I'll let me think about it for a while before making any decision. I did use to absolutely love the sport (or was it the group I was playing it with?).

First season, 2008. Photo credit, J-S Denomée

It's funny how things work out (at least in my head). I start doing exercise and what do you know, I start cleaning the whole apartment. If you know me, you know that's not something I like doing usually.
Also, I realized I enjoy cooking, even if it's just for myself. The trick is to plan ahead and know what I'll be cooking when I get home. That way, I don't sit in front of the TV, waiting for inspiration. I enjoy taking my lunch to work and show off my meals (and it's always so much better than the cafeteria food we have there!)
So now, it's only a question of keeping it up long enough to have an habit out of it. One lesson I learned is to forgive myself when I fall off the track and get back on it without delay. Hopefully, that'll be the key to success.

Stick With the Plan

Well, this week-end was a small disaster, diet-wise. First, Saturday started off good enough. I was playing the semi-finals in rugby so I had a good breakfast. Things got awry after the match. I had not planned for a post-game snack and since the game was out of town, by the time I got home it was dinner time and I had not eaten much (a banana and three or four carrot sticks) so I was starving. I went straight for the A&W by the house on wolfed down a crispy chicken burger and onion rings. Calorie-budget wise, I was still within limits because I hadn’t eaten much else all day and since I had played 80 minutes of rugby. Not very healthy, I grant you that.

Then, on Sunday, I was spending the day with my parents. And you know, I don’t really want to tell the people around me that I’m trying actively to shed the pounds. I don’t really know why. I think it has something to do with my fear of failing in front of other people. And I feel like telling people I want to loose weight is like telling them I don’t like who I am. This is not false but not something I want to advertise. I want to convey the image of a strong and confidant woman and being desperate to loose weight is not in accordance with that. So any way, on Sunday, I ate way more than I should have. Restaurant for lunch AND dinner. Plus an ice cream cone in the afternoon and I couldn’t squeeze in any exercise since we were spending most of the day with my grandma and she’s not as mobile as she used to be. So I ended up at 1,700 calories. Bad, I know but today is Monday, and I’m getting back on track! I have to have a plan, and stick to it!

Oh, and my mom noticed I had lost weight so that’s nice, it means it’s starting to show a little (I don’t see it, but hey, if others do, I won’t complain!)

Week 1 Weigh In

So one week done and my scale says... wait for it... 228 lbs! Woot woot! Down 8 pounds in one week. See what I was saying about over doing it! I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to go that fast, but I'm glad anyway. Actually, 228 lbs is closer to the weight I'm "normally" at. I was kinda surprised when I got on the scale last week and saw 236. Kinda bummed too. But now, back at 228 lbs, the REAL work begins! Bring it on!

Balance... and equilibrium

Maybe I'm doing this wrong? Now today it's been one week since I took charge of my life. And in like many things in my life, I'm afraid I got sucked in too much and that I won't keep up with it. I realize it's relatively easy to eat below 1200 cals for me when I put my mind to it. In fact, for the past three days, I've been under the count and that makes me really reluctant to go out and get moving. I mean, I'm already below budget! However, I know that keeping with a menu every day is not the proper way to go for me. Because when I fall off the wagon, I have a lot of trouble getting back on it. I need to find the motivation to get moving on a more regular basis. Today's objective is burning 200 cals and earn a ice cream cone!

Balance is everything

So last night, it rained all through the evening so I figured I'd try yoga thanks to yogadownload.com. It felt GREAT! I don't know if it was the humidity from the rain or my obvious lack of fitness but I was surprised to sweat this much. Plus, it made me focus so much on what I was doing so I wouldn't fall on my face that afterwards, I was really relaxed. When I run, I'm pumped and energized after. I suppose I should run in the mornings but let's face it, I'm not going to get up if it's to run. One thing I'm great at, is procrastination, especially if I'm half asleep.

For me, the week-ends are the hardest when I try to stick to a new plan (either work-out or eating habits). If I don't have plans, I usually sleep in which means that breakfast is eaten at around 11 am at best. It throws the whole day out-of-wack. In the summer, I often go out on saturday nights which doesn't help much! Sometimes, I feel like in order to be more healthy, I have to be a social outcast. I mean, I'm turning 29 in a couple of weeks, I'm single: parties, dining out and irregular schedule are almost a given for me. My social life is the only thing that separates me from being an old maid who spends her nights and week-ends with her cat, scaring away the neighbourhood children. I'm trying to find a balance but it ain't easy...

Burn Baby Burn!

I was supposed to run today. I'm still on the fence if I will or not. See, I've had this sunburn since sunday and with the sweating on wednesday and last night, the skin peeled off before it was ready. Now it hurts everytime I move around. Not very badly but it stings. Mostly, I'm worried that more sweating will just worsen it.

Ouchy!

I think I'll go for a long walk: no sweat and at least I'll be outside! Plus, I have a game tomorrow. It's the last one of regular season and it should be pretty intense. And my family will be there! Woot woot! They haven't seen me play in the three years since I've started the sport, living in California and all, but now that they're back, they'll finally see me play! So excited!

Sometimes people just bring me down

I'm just back from rugby practice. Not very intense for me today and I had a pizza at the pub after which I did not want to do (thin crust though... trying to justify myself...). I also had a looong talk with a teammate about the season, and how it went. I've heard a lot of complaints about the coach, some justified, some not so much. It was nice to finally hear someone voice that the real problem this year is some players' attitudes. Two weeks ago, I was thinking about dropping the sport. I felt very inadequate, not very useful on the field and most of all, I felt my contribution to the team was not appreciated by some of my teammates. Now rugby is a very physical sport. Why should I spend my summer being pushed, tackled, kicked and God knows what else can happen in a match for girls who can only whine about it? I deserve better than that.
I was relieved to hear another girl felt similar (and she runs fast and is not overweight which I know is not really relevant but let's face it, I was feeling like a big part of my shortcomings were due to my size). Still, it left me a little frustrated at other people who seem to point the flaws in others without accepting any part of the blame.
And with all that, I'm off to bed!

Shoes back on!

At the end of last June, I downloaded the "Couch210K" app ("There's an app for that!") and did the first 3 or 4 weeks. Then, there was a heat wave here and just sitting home was sweaty and uncomfortable. Rugby felt bad enough, I figured I'd skip a couple of runs until the evenings cooled down but I never got back to it till today. And today, it was HARD!
I felt ambitious and tought I could pick up where I left off: 2 min run, 3 min walk for an hour. After two reps, I realized I was running like an old lady (like, 98 years old) and my calves were a-burning. I was considering turning back when I heard the half-way mark on my iPod so I figured I might as well keep going. The second half was better (probably in part due to the fact I knew I was on my way back) but I'm a little disappointed to realize how I haven't kept my (albeit low) level. I thought rugby would at least maintain my fitness level. Boo.

Inspired

Another weight-loss blog. I'm getting to realise that I need the pressure/encouragement of other people to get to my target. Like most, I've started, and stopped a bunch of times to try and shed off the pounds. I've realised today that I'm regular at something when I feel a social obligation to it. Like rugby practice or orchestra practice. So if people read this, you'll be my social obligation! (Sorry about possible weird phrase construction, or poor grammar, my first language is French, being from Montreal!) So here it starts! Beginning stats: Current weight: 236 lbs Height: 5'3" Clothing size: 18 (20) Bra size: 44DD (urgh)

Here are the dreaded before shots. I took them on July 28th 2010, before my first run, as close as it gets!

Makes me realize I have to clean that mirror!