Will You Still Need Me When I'm 64?

When I registered for a personal trainer at my gym, included in the package was a fitness assessment where a kinesiologist tested me on a few criteria to determine my “physiological age”, compared to my real age.

It started with a questionnaire regarding my daily habits in the last month (eating, exercise, drinking, etc.) and taking my blood pressure and resting heart rate. Then, she measured my waistline and what I would call the “roll pinches” where she pinched the fat at a couple of spots on the body (waist, calf, arms, back). Next was the cardio test where I had to walk at 3,4 mph and gradually increase the incline until I reached a heart rate of 145. I was also tested on my muscular endurance (lower back muscles, crunches and push-ups) and my flexibility, as well as how high I could jump.

I thought things went pretty well, and although I was not expecting my results to be the same age as I am in real life, I did not expect to be diagnosed as having a body of a 58 year old! That is exactly double my current age. And it's also after losing 25 pounds and doing regular exercise for about three months. I can only imagine how bad it was before I started doing any of this.

This did put me down a little. Especially the cardio part, where I did not expect to score so bad. Of course, I knew there are major improvements to be done to my body, if only for health reasons. However, I thought my overall shape was not too bad. I can run. I can touch my toes (although it is not easy). I can lift weights.  I can do a lot of things my “normal weight” friends can’t. I was really convinced this would make a difference (and it did a little, my “age” in the cardio and body shape measurements is something like 68 years old). I was starting to feel better about myself. Today, I feel fat and little bit ashamed. Not of the past 3 months, but of the last 15 years, of letting myself do that to my body. Today, I see the road ahead of me, and it seems incredibly long. I am discouraged to find out that I am definitely on a plateau, for the third week in a row now. Today, I don’t feel as confident that I will ever get there, where ever "there" is.

Fitter Happier

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been blaming my weight for the shortcomings in my life. If I’m single, it’s because I’m too fat and unattractive. If I was slimmer, I’d be happier. If I was slimmer, I would be more confident, more popular. It even sometimes goes as far as thinking my weight is holding me back professionally. 

Now, I’m not so sure.

Of course, being slimmer would definitely improve my health, my energy level but would it really make me happy? It’s a chicken-egg thing to me. I got fat, at least in part, because I was unhappy. And when I was of “normal” weight, I thought I wasn’t very attractive (with the exception of when I had a boyfriend because he made me feel pretty).

In a deep level, I think the fat piled on as a defense mechanism. Despite what I’ve been saying all these years, I’m not sure I was ready for a relationship. Being fat was one of the ways I could avoid getting attention from guys. I would also be very distant on the (very) few dates I’ve had, even standing up one guy (he was 25 minutes late, but I literally ran out the door to get out before he could arrive. If that’s not a show of how not ready for a relationship I was, I don’t know what is.

I think this is how I made sure I wouldn’t get hurt because the one guy I truly loved ended up breaking my heart. I did not want to put myself in a position where I would feel like that ever again. I’m still not sure I’m ready for that, but for the first time in years, being active and having a purpose has made me feel a little like myself again. That may not be the idealistic view of my life I had when I was a teen (the American dream: husband, baby, house), but it’s something a lot closer to true happiness.

Edited to add:
I was just going through my regular blog reads and saw that the amazing Bitch Cakes just blogged about the same topic. A must read, really.

Little China Girl

 Nothing much to share today. So I tought I'd share a couple of pictures from my trip to Beijing!

Tired of Waiting For You

I knew before hand that coming back from vacation was going to be hard and I was right. I have been stuck in a ditch since the beginning of the week and I can't seem to shake it off. I've had no energy, eating poorly, not getting to the gym.
I have plenty of excuses for it: we've hired a handyman to do renovations in our bathroom so I have to hurry back home after work to make sure everything went fine, that things are progressing, etc. That means no time to stop at the supermarket to buy fresh produce and no time to get to the gym straight after work. Now, I am very aware that it takes WAY more will power to get myself out of the house to go to the gym or run errands once I am inside. Especially this time of the year when it's dark outside at 5:30-6:00 and that one feels so warm and cozy inside.
But I have to shake this. So tonight, I'm going to go to the pool since I prefer this to the gym. And here is a picture of my progress so far. I should take more of these, because they're a great reminder that making these changes work, that I'm getting healthy and that I'm always worth the efforts and the time I put for myslef!

Today, please ignore the messy room

Beginning of August

Simon Says...

You know, I'm the kind of person who, if told to do things one way, will try to do them the other way, just  because I don't like to be told what to do. It doesn't mean I don't listen to advice, it's just if you pressure me to do something, you can count on me not doing it, or at least, not the way you're telling me.
For example, on vacation, in Beijing. Now this town is HUGE. The travel guides all said it is not practical to walk anywhere. Outside every subway station, there were "bike-taxis" trying to get me to hire them to get to my final destination "Heellloooo lady! Ricksaw! Very cheap! Summer palace very far!" Well, I walked (and it wasn't all that bad either. Granted, sometimes, the sights were very far, but hey, walking is a good exercise!). Just because too many people were trying to convince me otherwise (to be honest, I did not really trust the ricksaw guys either).

 Heellloooo! Ricksaw!

This week, I'll have my first session with a trainer at the gym. I know he's going to try and convince me to stick to the meal plan in the book provided with the gym package. And I know I won't. Because I know I can take into account a suggestion to eat more of one thing or another, but I will not follow a plan that tells me to eat this and that on Day 1, and some other thing on Day 2 and so on. Come on, for eight weeks, having no flexibility?
I'm fine with this, I just really hope that the trainer will respect this and not try to give me a guilt trip because I did not eat what was written in the book. To me, as long as I eat healthy and stay in my alloted calorie budget, what I eat is my business. I want a trainer to give me exercises, make sure I'm doing them correctly, and push myself a little more.

Home Sweet Home

I came back from vacation late last night and haven't really had time to organize my thoughts (or pictures). I will do a couple of posts about it in the coming days.
Today, I just wanted to share that after two weeks away from the scale and not really thinking about eating right, thanks to plenty of walking, I still lost! Yay! I was thinking about it on the plane back and expected to have just maintained, maybe even gained. I mean, while still eating three meals a day, I don't think I managed more than one or two serving of fruits and veggies every day.
So what's the big number? 210 lbs! Now, the important part will be falling back into my work out schedule because I won't walk 10-15K every day!