Fitter Happier

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been blaming my weight for the shortcomings in my life. If I’m single, it’s because I’m too fat and unattractive. If I was slimmer, I’d be happier. If I was slimmer, I would be more confident, more popular. It even sometimes goes as far as thinking my weight is holding me back professionally. 

Now, I’m not so sure.

Of course, being slimmer would definitely improve my health, my energy level but would it really make me happy? It’s a chicken-egg thing to me. I got fat, at least in part, because I was unhappy. And when I was of “normal” weight, I thought I wasn’t very attractive (with the exception of when I had a boyfriend because he made me feel pretty).

In a deep level, I think the fat piled on as a defense mechanism. Despite what I’ve been saying all these years, I’m not sure I was ready for a relationship. Being fat was one of the ways I could avoid getting attention from guys. I would also be very distant on the (very) few dates I’ve had, even standing up one guy (he was 25 minutes late, but I literally ran out the door to get out before he could arrive. If that’s not a show of how not ready for a relationship I was, I don’t know what is.

I think this is how I made sure I wouldn’t get hurt because the one guy I truly loved ended up breaking my heart. I did not want to put myself in a position where I would feel like that ever again. I’m still not sure I’m ready for that, but for the first time in years, being active and having a purpose has made me feel a little like myself again. That may not be the idealistic view of my life I had when I was a teen (the American dream: husband, baby, house), but it’s something a lot closer to true happiness.

Edited to add:
I was just going through my regular blog reads and saw that the amazing Bitch Cakes just blogged about the same topic. A must read, really.