Worst Year of My Life

Today marks the date the worst year of my life started. 2010 has been, in many ways, the worst year of my life. I lost my Grand-Papa on this day in 2009 and my father, who was working in China at the time, could not make it back here in time to say goodbye to his dad. A month or so later, my Grand-mother (my mom’s mom) passed away just a few weeks after we found out she was sick. It all happened very quickly. Then, in January, my Grand-Maman (my Dad’s mom) started to show symptoms of dementia. She went outside, on a cold January morning, wearing only her pj’s and could not find her way back to her building although she was only a block away. We quickly realized she could not live by herself and had to be transferred into a nursing home. This was devastating for everybody. She had always been very independent and self-reliant. Also in January, my brother received death threats from a (very deranged) coworker for being openly gay and had to move from his apartment in a rush. My sister has been battling depression throughout the past year and has been living with me.

In April my uncle, who was like a second dad to me, died tragically in a work-related accident. Now, my grand-mother’s illness has progressed so rapidly, she can’t remember the names of any of her children (although she can still recognize that they are her children when she sees them, a silver lining I guess). Another uncle is going through a divorce and one of my aunts is also having bouts of depression. Now, most of these things did not happen directly to me, but seeing a loved one go through a rough time is almost as bad as going through it myself.

I can’t believe that all this happened in merely a year. How much things have changed in 365 days.

2010 has also been, in many ways, a good year. My father and my brother, who weren’t speaking to each other for almost seven years, are now on speaking terms (although I wouldn’t say things are really patched up).  My parents who were living in California moved back to Montreal . I started paying closer attention to my health and losing weight. I traveled a lot, which is always interesting.

In retrospect, I can see that whenever a door closes, there’s a window opening somewhere and that although I really (really) wish these awful things didn’t happen and that the people I lost this year were still alive and that the past year would have been a much happier one, these events brought nice changes in my life too. It made me reassess my priorities, realize how important my family was to me and see that a lot of people love me, not for how I look, but for who I am. That gave me confidence that I am great and deserve great things. And also that being loved by others is not the hard part, not the battle in my life. It’s truly loving myself and giving myself the time and affection I would always give away to other people.

Lost and Running

Last night, I was watching the second half of The Biggest Loser Thanksgiving special and I realized that for the first time, I was watching knowing it can be done. I used to watch the show (in the first couple of seasons) and would be thinking, sitting in my couch "Sure they loose weight, they're on the ranch 24/7, they don't have to go to work, dinner parties, etc. They know they're being filmed all the time (not loosing face would be a huge motivator for me). They have personal trainers and they have the time to go to the gym for a couple of hours each day. I could lose weight under those circumstances for sure. But I can't have this life, not even for a week."
And I would stay on the couch.
Last night, I watched and thought quite the opposite "You don't have to go to the ranch to loose. You're better off doing it from home, then healthy habits are really a true part of your life when you reach goal." And that's part of the difference, the reason why I have stuck with it so far. Because I'm not expecting the change to come from the outside in. I know that the ONLY factor for success is ME. The sad thing is, it can't be given to anyone, and there really isn't any advice that will stick if your mind isn't really into it. Nothing will work for you if you expect to stick to a recipe or copy-paste from someone else's plan. It took me 12 years to figure that out, 12 years to really be ready to make the changes required. The important thing is to never giving up hope that one day, you'll be ready to finish. I've started many times but I've never finished. I can feel this time will be different.

Something's Gotta Give

Since starting this “Healthy Me” project, I’ve realized that for the first time in years, I’m putting myself first. Before, my job, my friends, my family would always take the first spot and I rarely did thing solely for me. I would feel incredibly guilty when I had to ditch someone (most often with good reasons). I don’t know what switched in my mind since July, but now, I don’t feel that much of an obligation to participate.

Sure, I still have to work and I still go out with my friends but I pick projects that motivate me (more than the others at least) and I go to social events I want to, not to those I feel I have to. I sometimes still feel like I’m letting people down but I’m mostly fine with this. I can’t always be putting the benefits of others before mine and I have to choose to dedicate my energy to people who will truly appreciate it. In the past, I have often done things and made sacrifices for people who took it for granted or never bothered to thank me.

It also means I can be more of a pain to be friends with. I am late more often because I tried to squeeze a session at the gym in between two activities and don’t quite make it. And I’m not the most punctual person to start with, so I’m now late all the time... I sometimes refuse to go out because I know the day after is busy and I’ll have to get up early to go to the gym. I don’t drink as much (and refuse drinks offered to me when I’ve had my quota for the day).

I simply had to cut out people and activities which did not bring anything to me anymore to make room for working out, cooking, etc. It was surprisingly easy to do, mostly because I was now ready for it. I just knew I had to do it and I feel relieved that I am now free of these obligations.

On another note, a friend I hadn’t heard of in years has contacted me to set me up with a friend of his. I have exchanged a couple of emails with this guy now and, on paper, he is very funny and we do seem to have some things in common. But, and this is something I would never dare admit to anyone in my real-life, he is physically not my type because he is seriously overweight. Remember I said I was a fattist? Yeah, that’s still a problem. Part of it is that I’m worried that starting a new relationship with anyone is a source of stress for me. I'm worried it'll derail me, change my priorities. It worries me even more to see that the guy in question might not put health and exercise high in his list. This is what happened to me the last time I dated someone for a long period. He was chubby (not fat, really) and did not like doing sports. I let myself follow his patterns and am only recovering healthy habits now. 

Another thing, probably even more shameful, is that I'm naturally attracted to fit guys. I think it has to do with being able to admire them in one way or another and wanting to be sucked into their world of fitness and sports, in a similar way that I'm afraid that dating a fat guy will lead me to being fat myself (I know it's a little crazy and sad).

Don't Look Back In Anger

My life has been pretty much the same routine in the past few weeks. Going to work, going to the gym. Dinner with friends and family on the week-ends. Nothing very exciting, really and certainly nothing I felt was worth blogging about.

Yesterday, I was shopping for a dress for my friends’ wedding. I’m very happy that I found one for just 50$ but I’m slightly bummed that I had to settle for a size 18. I had tried on size 16 pants a couple of weeks ago and they fitted nicely. I really hoped to be able to buy a size 16 dress, there is such a difference in the choices available when you can fit in a size 16 since a lot of brands carry up to 16 but not higher (it’s even better when you’re a size 8 or 10, but that’s not in my reach right now). 

My non-official short-term goal was to be at least down to 200 lbs by the wedding on Dec. 11^th. It is still feasible, but this effing plateau is likely to make it a race to the finish. Today, I am at 208 lbs which means 4 weeks to lose 8 pounds. I am still motivated to loose the weight, but I’m really anxious to move on to the next part of my life, where I won’t be consumed by thoughts of food (what to eat? When to eat? Can I eat this? How many calories is this?) and that my most useful app on the iPod won’t be “Lose It”. I want to be able to be content with how I am at the moment, without any thought of how much more I have to go and how great it’ll be when I reach a “normal” weight. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all that much about wishful thinking I wouldn’t be finding faults in my body when I reach goal. It’s more about the irritants of being overweight. Shopping for clothes, boots (my calves do NOT fit into knee-high boots, no matter how badly I want to be able to wear those) is a clear reminder that even if, looking at myself in the mirror, I feel good about the road traveled so far, there is still a long way to go. A clear reminder that I am not up to society’s standards yet. By that I don’t mean I don’t think I’m beautiful (although this can be debated) but simply that on a day where I felt satisfied and confident, I got a reality check: girl, don’t delude yourself, you’re still fat. I still don’t see what’s in the mirror correctly. I used to think I was a size 18. I obviously wasn’t since I’ve since lost 25 pounds and I still can’t fit in a smaller size but looking in the mirror at home and at the gym, I felt pretty certain I would fit comfortably in a 16. I even picked up a size 14 from the rack because it was the biggest size in a dress I liked. I couldn’t zip up the sizes 16. I guess I’m more than slightly bummed about this. It feels like I’ve been doing all this work and it’s hardly noticeable. It makes this whole process and the past 3 ½ months really frustrating. 

** I wrote the first part of this post earlier today and decided to wait after the gym to publish it, in case my spirits improved. They did not. I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly all week and really giving it my all. I was really hoping to bust this plateau. When I weighed myself, I'm still at 209 lbs! Plateaus suck (even more)!

Do I Disappoint You

 

Well, I can just say that plateaus suck. I grant you, I have not been perfect. I ate out all week-end and I was not reasonable. I realized that what I wanted to believe was the “old me” is still there inside, looking for the opportunity to come out. First, it was on Saturday night. I was having dinner with friends and the place they picked was a buffet. Tons of food, from different cuisine styles (but mostly unhealthy), all you can eat. I never took the “all you can eat” as a challenge, but in my mind, overeating at buffets has to do with the fact that no matter what or how much you eat, you’ll end up paying the same price. And at that place, the price was more than I would have paid if we had gone to a regular restaurant and eaten an appetizer as an entrée or a salad. So my old self kicked in: “If I’m going to pay for a lot of food and not be able to take any home, I might as well eat as much as possible here to make my money’s worth.” And so I did. I couldn’t even really count the calories accurately. The worst part is I deluded myself into thinking it was okay because my friends (normal weight) were doing the same.

It makes me wonder why - and how - society got to this point, where quantity of food is perceived at least as important as quality. I mean, the restaurant was huge and PACKED. For the whole time we were there, there was a line to get in. For the same price, one could eat better quality food in a nicer setting. Sure, you can’t refill your plate for free, but do you really need to? It’s not a question one asks when there is more food to sample and that it’s not going to cost more. To be able to offer such a big variety and quantity, the restaurant has to cut somewhere, and I’m willing to bet it’s on the quality. Sure it tasted fine. But good taste doesn’t mean quality. Fatty, salty or sweet food tastes good but it is not quality food.

And don’t get me started on chain restaurants like Pizza Hut or the like. If you live in a place where you can access small, local restaurants (and I don’t mean the local greasy spoon), I believe you’re better off eating out there. It’s likely the food is better; you can develop a relationship with the owner and get a good knowledge of how they make the food, the provenance of ingredients, etc. Plus, you’d be encouraging a local business and contributing more directly to your community. And it’s not really going to cost you more (man, I paid almost 25 CAD for crappy buffet food!)

So the plateau, yeah. It might very well be my own making.

There's A Stone In My Shoe

Allright. Let's be honest here. The reason I haven't been posting anything of value here is because I have not been doing so well with the plan.
Sure, I went to the gym. I ate some candy over Halloween, but not an insane amount. I have been mostly following the "plan". But I did it half-heartedly. I did not want to do any of it. I wanted to stay home, eat restaurant food, not cook. And I did some of that. I ate at restaurants more than I should have. I struggled to stay under the calorie count.
The worst part of it is I did not care much. I have not really gained. I'm still at 210, for the fourth week in a row and I did not really care. This week, for the first time since July, the efforts, the sacrifices did not appear to be worth it.
That is until tonight. I had my first real session with my private trainer. And it felt GOOD. I felt I could have given a little more but as usual with people that don't really know me, J did not think I could sustain a higher pace. That's allright, more room for improvement in the next sessions. Tonight, I'm really glad I signed up for private sessions. I think if I had been left on my own, my drive would have slowly died down, as it has in the past. I would have dropped to going to the gym twice a week, then once, then none at all. I know the drill, I've been down that road many times before. This time, I realize I need outside help to get over the downs one is bound to have. I am willing to admit I cannot do everything alone, which is a big step for me.

China Groove

 Another post with pictures, since I have really nothing much to say this week!