White Wedding

Saturday was my friend's wedding. And I was weighing in at... drum roll... 198.5 lbs! After all the drama, I'm really happy it turned out like I wanted it to.
So I got up at 7 am on that day (earlier than I do to go to work) and I went to get my hair done. Then, at twelve, my friends picked me up to get to the hotel for the one o'clock ceremony. It was not a religious service, so it was pretty short, but very touching, especially when the bride's mother choked up during her speech. Plus, everyone kept telling me how pretty I looked, which surely helped to be in a great mood! Then we had a couple of hours to kill while the newlyweds went to take pictures. We had fun, walking around the historical part of town, taking silly pictures.
Plus, I feel also pretty good about my eating, I did not indulge in the appetizers served at the cocktail and the meal itself was really reasonable.I did drink a little more than I probably should have. I was never drunk, but kept a steady 1 drink/hour rate (which, when the party starts at 5 pm and ends at 2 am, is quite a few drinks)
Later, at the party, I was sitting with my friend's friend, on whom I've had a crush for a while. We flirted, albeit a little jokingly, and my confidence was soaring. That is until he asked me if my ex-roommate had been with her boyfriend long, and until I spotted him stroking one of the other girls' knee. I'm now mad, mostly at myself for letting my imagination run wild from a few flirtatious jokes. And for being really interested in a guy who obviously couldn't care less while a decent guy has given me signs of interest and I couldn't care less.  My love-brain is broken.

Life Is What Happens While You're Busy Making Other Plans

I had planned a really positive post about my newfound desire to start running again. I was going to post it after my appointment with my personal trainer. This also means it was a weigh-in today and I felt confident about it. I had been very good with my eating (although I'm starting to question my definition of "good"). I had skipped the gym on Monday because we had the first snow storm of the season, and as usual, monstrous traffic ensued. I figured my eating would compensate, plus the little shovelling I had to do, I thought all was good.
I even committed to a new non-weight related goal: I want to run a 10K in the spring. And I plan on training for that separately from my regular sessions, as an extra (easy to manage now that I only have to run a mile or so, we'll see how it goes when the distances build up). So all was good. I even skillfully managed an office social-gathering tonight at the restaurant with a 560 cals entrée (when every thing else on the menu was 800 cals and up, that's good) and only one glass of wine. Granted, this is half my calories for a day, but since I was going to the gym, and my others meals had been reasonable, I feel good about it.
Then, I got to my appointment and got on the scale. For the first time since I started my journey, I saw a gain when I expected a loss. I was SO frustrated by it! That 0.8 pounds. I know it shouldn't have bothered me that much. I know 0.8 pounds is not much and probably isn't really a gain. But still, it's not a LOSS! And my friend's wedding is this Saturday and I'm not under 200 lbs. It was the only timed goal I had. Be under 200 before the wedding.
So tonight, I am not happy and that meant one mean session on the elliptical. So I guess it all turns out in the end. I have to remind myself that this is not a race, there is no finish line and that it doesn't really matter what weight I am at any given specific time, as long as I make healthy choices. It will eventually pay off, when I look at the big picture.

All The Lonely People

Thursday night, I finally went on a date with my friend’s friend. We had been exchanging emails for a couple of weeks but couldn’t find a moment when we both would be available until last night. In the emails, I thought he seemed like a sweet, funny guy and although I was not particularly attracted to him physically in the pictures he sent me, I thought I’d make an opinion when I saw him in person (the difference a little charm and presence can do).

Now, one thing you should know about me is I’ve been single for years. I have been so convinced guys would not find me attractive, because of my weight that I didn’t even bother with dating. I would be making friends really easy, but nothing more. I’ve realized that now, I’m so used to my privacy and to being on my own that I have a hard time letting people in my inner circle. I’m in my comfort zone and even if I know I should get out of it (Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?), I don’t really want to shake up my routine for a “maybe”.

The guy from Thursday night, let’s call him S, is more of a “bah. He’s nice.” I was not attracted to him. I did not feel the urge, at the end of the night, to plan another date. I had a nice but a little bland evening. I did not feel a particular connection; I did not laugh heartily that much. It was all right, but nothing special…

However, I keep thinking about my last real boyfriend. I started dating him mostly because I knew he’d been in love with me for a very long time and I thought it was so cute, I could not say no when he finally asked me out. I did not have an urge to kiss him but went along with it when he made his move. And little by little, he grew on me until I was head-over-heels in love. But had it been just for me, we wouldn’t have dated in the first place. I did not find him attractive at first. So maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what a first date should be like. Maybe, if I give S more time, he’d end up being the man of my life. I’m not sure about what to do. He didn’t really flirt with me. I’m pretty sure he was interested in me, but he didn’t turn on the charm. THAT’S the main difference with my ex who was all charm and compliments the moment I entered the room. I think I need that. I need to feel like I’m irresistible to the guy I’m dating. I don’t want to lead him on and let him down in the end. He’s a nice guy. But right now, I don’t want to let him in my inner circle. He’d talk bout his family and I didn’t want to meet them. I don’t want to introduce him to my family, nor to my friends. I just need to figure out if that’s my fear of commitment talking, or my lack of interest (it might very well be both).

But there are guys I can think of that I would gladly introduce to my family and friends, if they’d only show a little interest in me. The difference: they’re cute, tall and thin. Which S is not (they’re also nice and intelligent, but so was S). Am I that shallow? Am I exactly what I’m reproaching in most guys: basing my opinion on looks first?

Am I ashamed that upon leaving the restaurant last night, my first thought was “I could do better”? Yes. Is one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to give this guy a chance is because I don’t want to pass up on another guy? Probably.

I’m so soaked up in fairytale-Hollywood love stories I can’t appreciate the reality. I expect Brad Pitt to come sweep me off my feet. I want to be wooed. So I’ve been waiting 10 years for that, and the sad thing is: I realized last night I’m willing to wait some more to get it. My standards might be too high, but is it fair to “settle” for someone simply because he’s the one available right now and no other reason?