Thursday night, I finally went on a date with my friend’s friend. We had been exchanging emails for a couple of weeks but couldn’t find a moment when we both would be available until last night. In the emails, I thought he seemed like a sweet, funny guy and although I was not particularly attracted to him physically in the pictures he sent me, I thought I’d make an opinion when I saw him in person (the difference a little charm and presence can do).
Now, one thing you should know about me is I’ve been single for years. I have been so convinced guys would not find me attractive, because of my weight that I didn’t even bother with dating. I would be making friends really easy, but nothing more. I’ve realized that now, I’m so used to my privacy and to being on my own that I have a hard time letting people in my inner circle. I’m in my comfort zone and even if I know I should get out of it (Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?), I don’t really want to shake up my routine for a “maybe”.
The guy from Thursday night, let’s call him S, is more of a “bah. He’s nice.” I was not attracted to him. I did not feel the urge, at the end of the night, to plan another date. I had a nice but a little bland evening. I did not feel a particular connection; I did not laugh heartily that much. It was all right, but nothing special…
However, I keep thinking about my last real boyfriend. I started dating him mostly because I knew he’d been in love with me for a very long time and I thought it was so cute, I could not say no when he finally asked me out. I did not have an urge to kiss him but went along with it when he made his move. And little by little, he grew on me until I was head-over-heels in love. But had it been just for me, we wouldn’t have dated in the first place. I did not find him attractive at first. So maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what a first date should be like. Maybe, if I give S more time, he’d end up being the man of my life. I’m not sure about what to do. He didn’t really flirt with me. I’m pretty sure he was interested in me, but he didn’t turn on the charm. THAT’S the main difference with my ex who was all charm and compliments the moment I entered the room. I think I need that. I need to feel like I’m irresistible to the guy I’m dating. I don’t want to lead him on and let him down in the end. He’s a nice guy. But right now, I don’t want to let him in my inner circle. He’d talk bout his family and I didn’t want to meet them. I don’t want to introduce him to my family, nor to my friends. I just need to figure out if that’s my fear of commitment talking, or my lack of interest (it might very well be both).
But there are guys I can think of that I would gladly introduce to my family and friends, if they’d only show a little interest in me. The difference: they’re cute, tall and thin. Which S is not (they’re also nice and intelligent, but so was S). Am I that shallow? Am I exactly what I’m reproaching in most guys: basing my opinion on looks first?
Am I ashamed that upon leaving the restaurant last night, my first thought was “I could do better”? Yes. Is one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to give this guy a chance is because I don’t want to pass up on another guy? Probably.
I’m so soaked up in fairytale-Hollywood love stories I can’t appreciate the reality. I expect Brad Pitt to come sweep me off my feet. I want to be wooed. So I’ve been waiting 10 years for that, and the sad thing is: I realized last night I’m willing to wait some more to get it. My standards might be too high, but is it fair to “settle” for someone simply because he’s the one available right now and no other reason?
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