Worst Year of My Life

Today marks the date the worst year of my life started. 2010 has been, in many ways, the worst year of my life. I lost my Grand-Papa on this day in 2009 and my father, who was working in China at the time, could not make it back here in time to say goodbye to his dad. A month or so later, my Grand-mother (my mom’s mom) passed away just a few weeks after we found out she was sick. It all happened very quickly. Then, in January, my Grand-Maman (my Dad’s mom) started to show symptoms of dementia. She went outside, on a cold January morning, wearing only her pj’s and could not find her way back to her building although she was only a block away. We quickly realized she could not live by herself and had to be transferred into a nursing home. This was devastating for everybody. She had always been very independent and self-reliant. Also in January, my brother received death threats from a (very deranged) coworker for being openly gay and had to move from his apartment in a rush. My sister has been battling depression throughout the past year and has been living with me.

In April my uncle, who was like a second dad to me, died tragically in a work-related accident. Now, my grand-mother’s illness has progressed so rapidly, she can’t remember the names of any of her children (although she can still recognize that they are her children when she sees them, a silver lining I guess). Another uncle is going through a divorce and one of my aunts is also having bouts of depression. Now, most of these things did not happen directly to me, but seeing a loved one go through a rough time is almost as bad as going through it myself.

I can’t believe that all this happened in merely a year. How much things have changed in 365 days.

2010 has also been, in many ways, a good year. My father and my brother, who weren’t speaking to each other for almost seven years, are now on speaking terms (although I wouldn’t say things are really patched up).  My parents who were living in California moved back to Montreal . I started paying closer attention to my health and losing weight. I traveled a lot, which is always interesting.

In retrospect, I can see that whenever a door closes, there’s a window opening somewhere and that although I really (really) wish these awful things didn’t happen and that the people I lost this year were still alive and that the past year would have been a much happier one, these events brought nice changes in my life too. It made me reassess my priorities, realize how important my family was to me and see that a lot of people love me, not for how I look, but for who I am. That gave me confidence that I am great and deserve great things. And also that being loved by others is not the hard part, not the battle in my life. It’s truly loving myself and giving myself the time and affection I would always give away to other people.