Since starting this “Healthy Me” project, I’ve realized that for the first time in years, I’m putting myself first. Before, my job, my friends, my family would always take the first spot and I rarely did thing solely for me. I would feel incredibly guilty when I had to ditch someone (most often with good reasons). I don’t know what switched in my mind since July, but now, I don’t feel that much of an obligation to participate.
Sure, I still have to work and I still go out with my friends but I pick projects that motivate me (more than the others at least) and I go to social events I want to, not to those I feel I have to. I sometimes still feel like I’m letting people down but I’m mostly fine with this. I can’t always be putting the benefits of others before mine and I have to choose to dedicate my energy to people who will truly appreciate it. In the past, I have often done things and made sacrifices for people who took it for granted or never bothered to thank me.
It also means I can be more of a pain to be friends with. I am late more often because I tried to squeeze a session at the gym in between two activities and don’t quite make it. And I’m not the most punctual person to start with, so I’m now late all the time... I sometimes refuse to go out because I know the day after is busy and I’ll have to get up early to go to the gym. I don’t drink as much (and refuse drinks offered to me when I’ve had my quota for the day).
I simply had to cut out people and activities which did not bring anything to me anymore to make room for working out, cooking, etc. It was surprisingly easy to do, mostly because I was now ready for it. I just knew I had to do it and I feel relieved that I am now free of these obligations.
On another note, a friend I hadn’t heard of in years has contacted me to set me up with a friend of his. I have exchanged a couple of emails with this guy now and, on paper, he is very funny and we do seem to have some things in common. But, and this is something I would never dare admit to anyone in my real-life, he is physically not my type because he is seriously overweight. Remember I said I was a fattist? Yeah, that’s still a problem. Part of it is that I’m worried that starting a new relationship with anyone is a source of stress for me. I'm worried it'll derail me, change my priorities. It worries me even more to see that the guy in question might not put health and exercise high in his list. This is what happened to me the last time I dated someone for a long period. He was chubby (not fat, really) and did not like doing sports. I let myself follow his patterns and am only recovering healthy habits now.
Another thing, probably even more shameful, is that I'm naturally attracted to fit guys. I think it has to do with being able to admire them in one way or another and wanting to be sucked into their world of fitness and sports, in a similar way that I'm afraid that dating a fat guy will lead me to being fat myself (I know it's a little crazy and sad).
No comments:
Post a Comment