I have a confession to make: I’m a fattist. I discriminate against fat people (although being fat myself). I make judgment calls, solely based on the fact that they’re overweight. For instance, if I see a girl, who is overweight, in a relationship with a relatively cute guy (or even just a guy who is of a healthy weight) I assume he’s a geek/stupid/a social outcast. Because, as sad and ashamed of myself this makes me, I think no guy in their right mind would go for a girl like that (read like me) when there is plenty of cute, regular sized girls. This, in part, explains why I have been single for so long. I simply can’t conceive that a guy which would interest me (funny, cultivated, balanced, confident) would be interested in a relationship with me. Even if I know that I’m worth anybody on the inside, I just believe that really, most guys enjoy having girls like me as friends, but would rather date cuter girls. I’ve had a lot of experiences to prove that to myself, unfortunately.
And guys who have been interested in me in the past? Well, let’s just say they generally display the “deal-breakers” too soon: in their thirties and daily playing Magic (the card game) or D&D. I’ve had lots of really good friends (and even had slight crushes) with similar interests. But I learned of their hobbies after I had known them for a while and I knew that was not all they were about. If the guy gets into this kind of subject in the first couple of hours, it seems like that’s pretty much all that’s going on in their lifes. And that’s, to me, a little sad. Hence my assumption that for a guy to be interested in a severely overweight girl, he must be either geek beyond all reason, a social outcast or simply a little dumb (and can’t get the good-looking girls who all go for the better-looking, more intelligent guys)
See? Not pretty. No wonder I’m single. And going for a run in the blistering heat.
When I was 250 and I saw heavy girls with boyfriends (often times skinny boys too) I'd always wonder to myself "How can THEY get a boyfriend when I can't?" It was my own form of self-loathing and low self esteem. I wish I could say it goes away but now I see skinnier girls than me and think "Why can't I be that skinny?" Then I remind myself that I became an athlete--not a skinny girl. There's a huge difference.
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